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CMU Students Banned from Chuck E. Cheese

Seeking entertainment that was suited for their level of intelligence, several graduates from CMU found out exactly what it takes to receive a lifetime ban from the pizza parlor chain, Chuck E. Cheese.



The ban was issued after several mishaps from the CMU class of 2015. One such mishap landed one of their own, Bernie Pron, in the hospital. Pron had been an employee of Chuck E. Cheese after graduating CMU in the spring of 1990. Realizing that employers were only interested in young talent with degrees from intellectual universities, Pron settled down for employment that didn’t require an education above a GED. The Chuck E. Cheese located in Saginaw, MI called young Pron and he was hired as the “creepy mouse suit guy.”


Wearing his mouse suit, Pron had welcomed the class of 2015 with open arms this past Saturday. The group consisted of 5 males and 3 females, 4 months fresh out of graduation. Pron didn’t know the level of intelligence and integrity at CMU had drastically plummeted from it’s already low standards in 1990. The intelligence and integrity levels of CMU graduates can be compared to those of Floridian bath salt addicts.


Once the group entered the pizza parlor, shit got weird.


Some of the fine ladies of CMU attempted to see how many of the ball-pit booger and shit-crusted balls they could fit in their mouths. They reached an impressive peak of 4 plastic balls before being asked to vacate the ball pit area.


One of the CMU male graduates decided that his rectum would look much more appealing to the gazes of the ladies in the group if he shoved the Whack-A-Mole padded hammer handle up his anus. The managers, Pron, and other employees of Chuck E. Cheese did not believe that was how a “kid can be a kid” thing to do and he was escorted off the premises.


The final straw came when local beloved Chuck the mouse cosplayer, Bernie Pron, was ambushed by the remaining CMU graduates behind the air hockey table.


“They kept going on and on about giving me their own personal brand of pepperoni, and I don’t think they were talking about the kind that normally goes on pizza.”


Thankfully staff members of Chuck E. Cheese found the assailants and their victim before they could do further damage to Pron. Unfortunately, the brave staff members of Chuck E. Cheese could not stop one of the CMU graduates from taking a “southside wipeless” into the head of the Chuck costume.


Besides the broken arm Pron suffered from his fall into a pinball machine and the extreme emotional distress from the assault, he remains unharmed and will return to work as soon as possible. For the group of eight CMU graduates that went in, seven are awaiting charges outside of their lifetime ban. The last member of the group was never found but may very well be living in the children’s play area.

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