If you think about it, the Big Ten is basically just The Office. Much like the characters from the beloved sitcom totally stolen from the fancy United States (aka England), our clashing personalities somehow come together to create the best goddamn conference out there. We all play our role and we all emulate a character from one of NBC’s crowning jewels pretty perfectly.
University of Michigan: Darryl Philbin.
In actuality, you might be the smartest one in the entire conference. However, no one ever turns to you first for anything. You’re definitely forgotten about from time to time, but you have the satisfaction of knowing you’re not a complete dumbass.
Minnesota: Kevin Malone.
Oh Minnesota, you goofy fuck-up you. You try so hard, but in the end, you always fall short, be it in sports or life in general. No one hates you for it, but we’re all definitely laughing at you.
Northwestern: Oscar Martinez.
You goddamn know-it-all. You have no issue letting us all know how much smarter and better you are than everyone. You may be annoying (with your brains and whatnot), but honestly, the rest of the conference is just jealous of you.
Ohio State: Dwight Schrute. (But not near the end of the series where he becomes endearing)
You’re a pain in the ass and everyone would prefer to not work with you. Make no mistake—no matter how hard you work or how well you do your job, we all hate you. Ohio is not to be confused with our disdain for Northwestern; our ill feelings towards Ohio are fueled not by jealousy, but by your awfulness.
Penn State: Meredith Palmer.
Sure you have a lot of haters judging you, but you don’t give a shit and keep on keeping on. With a “no fucks to be had” attitude and the perseverance to drink another day, Penn State is a Meredith if ever there was one.
University of Iowa: Pam Beesly.
You have a sweet, plain, and “Midwest” quality to you. Some may write you off, but you have the love of someone who will never leave you. Who’s the Jim Halpert to Iowa’s Pam Beesly? The entire state of Iowa. (It’s not like they have any other options of teams to cheer for, so they go a little overboard—like c’mon, you’re not that special).
Purdue: Stanley Hudson.
You don’t want to be here. Like, really, you just don’t. And if you actually do, it doesn’t really show in anything that you do.
Nebraska: Creed Bratton.
You are a weird bastard, you know? Just look at your mascot—what sane person thought that was a good idea and would definitely NOT haunt our nightmares? You’re strange as hell and a total outsider in the office.
MSU: Ryan Howard.
You think you’re great at everything, but honestly no one can really name anything that you excel at. You’re a cocky son of a bitch with no grounds to be.
University of Illinois: Michael Scott.
You mean well, but you ultimately end up offending everyone. With your Native American mascot, that is almost always portrayed by some white kid from the burbs, you are most definitely the reason corporate forced a Diversity Day in the office—and you’re also the reason the aforementioned Diversity Day was ruined.
Indiana University: Andy Bernard.
You try so hard, but you’re still so terrible. Andy Bernard is to management what you are to basketball—downright insulting to even be considered to be a part of.
University of Maryland and Rutgers University: Toby Flenderson.
Your presence still doesn’t really make sense to us. You’re just the guys placed in our Big Ten office by corporate/the NCAA, and we’re forced to include you.
Wisconsin: Jim Halpert.
Wisconsin may be clever, but they also know how to have fun. Not to mention that Jim is the best-looking guy in that office, and as we all know, Wisconsin is notorious for its good-looking student body.
Did a Wisconsin student write this article? Yes. Would that be the reason we got the best character on that whole fucking show? No comment… but we’re still great and you know it.