There’s no denying that we go to one of the best schools in the world. If not the world, then at least one of the best schools in Central NY. OK—the best school in Onondaga County. Not only are we met with the benefits of a beautiful campus, but we also are blessed to have all those quaint spots to do all your niche hobbies. Lucky for all those who haven’t found those locations yet, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of the best places on campus to do your everyday chores:
5.) Destroying your own possessions:
The best place to destroy everything you hold near and dear is definitely the BBB dining hall. That abyss is a “what goes in, doesn’t come out” kind of dining experience, and ruining your possessions will not fall short here. Need to light clothing on fire? Those shitty stoves will do the trick. Putting family heirlooms in a bucket of acid? The curdled orange juice should help with that. Get stains all over everything you own? The salad is swimming in enough dressing to splash up and stain just about anything! Head on down to BBB dining hall—only a 45-minute walk from any point on campus!
4.) Getting drunk alone:
Pinachi. Pinshi. Pinnashi . Panasci, god dammit. Panasci is the go-to destination to down that handle of strawberry lemonade Svedka you’ve been meaning to get to since freshman year. Just trying to get sloshed before your 5:15 p.m. lecture? Everyone in Panasci has a stick so far up their ass they won’t even notice you slugging that bottle!
3.) Falling down a stairwell:
This is where we are faced with two very, very enticing options. 1) Try the Crouse steps in the dead of February directly after a lake effect snow storm for the all-or-nothing option. But make sure the steps have been shoveled scantily enough to have left a hefty layer of ice behind to break the fall. 2) The Mount steps! It’s a everyday fall-down-the-steps kind of place, but bonus points will be awarded per splinter lodged in your skin by the end of the tumble.
2.) Stealing other people’s belongings:
Faced with the severe consequences of having just destroyed every possession in BBB’s dining hall? Look no further than the quad and other people’s belongings as your next course of action! People are so infatuated with Theta Chi’s sixth and newest husky puppy that they don’t have time to loom over laptops and phone chargers and Cartier bracelets that everyone carries around. Just grab a bag and run like your high school track coach is still making pedophilic comments at you.
1.) Having very sober sex with a stranger:
Nothing says, “Let’s have midday sober sex after just meeting five minutes ago” quite like Goldstein Auditorium. With plenty of open space to frolic about—because who doesn’t love frolicking as a means of foreplay?—and unparalleled acoustics, Goldstein is the perfect place to make an awkward situation about 20 times worse! If you live for the thrill of constant discomfort, head on over to Goldstein and get down n’ dirty.
After extensive research, The Black Sheep is confident that these options are sure to deliver an augmented college experience! So next time you’re looking to do any of the above, refer back here and bring that handle over to Panisky Panasci.
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