All hell and chaos has broken loose as Archbold is now under renovation. You never went to the gym anyway, but damn, what if you wanted to start now? “How the hell do I stay fit as fuck?” meatheads wonder. Skinny bitches across campus are wondering where they can do the stair climber for five minutes then leave. People trying to break into the FitFam are confused as to where they can now drink pre-workout and have heart palpitations and panic for 45 minutes. Let’s be real here–you aren’t actually trying to work out. Some other options to try and stay fit while Archbold is torn to the ground include:
5.) Eat carrots and complain that Archbold is gone:
There’s nothing quite like the aggressive punch of a carrot slamming into your teeth and down your gullet. Pair that with a hefty serving of complaining about Archbold’s absence and you’ll be Fit in Five (days) (or something).
4.) Text faster and complain that Archbold is gone:
Studies have shown that angry texting burns twice as many calories. Maybe get into a fight with your ex-boyfriend for best results, but make sure the fight is based in the fact that you can’t go to the gym that you never went to in the first place.
3.) Run to class and complain that Archbold is gone:
There’s no time for walking when you’re fat as fuck. That’s right. Time to run to class, you toads. For best caloric results, yell and lament about Archbold being a pile of rubble. Truly a great way to get the heart pumping.
2.) Sit completely still and complain internally that Archbold is gone:
Meditation is good for your health. Align those chakras and channel Archbold.
1.) Go to Marshall Square Mall and complain that Archbold is gone:
It reeks of Subway, and because of that, you’ll make straight for the exits as soon as you possibly can.
There are still so many opportunities for you to burn that pesky fat off your torso. But Archbold being gone just gives you another chance to complain about a location you never even went to anyway! Or we can just all agree that these are our hibernating bods and call it a day. Either way.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: