You’ve heard that it’s the top party school in America; you’ve seen its athletes move mountains, and you have certainly felt that notorious breeze. But you still haven’t heard the whole story. The Black Sheep has begun some serious journalism-ing to give you the inside scoop on conspiracy theories at Syracuse (that are 99.9% true*):
5.) Every tree here is synthetic:
Leaves are not that saturated, they just aren’t. Hate to burst your bubble, but those fall foliage photos you’re Instagramming are all part of the Starbucks’ marketing ploy to profit off of college students who see an orange leaf and run to chug a pumpkin spice latte.
4.) Kent planted recording devices in the University Place promenade:
That’s why his hair is so big; it’s full of secrets. Eavesdropping allows him to post the most topical and raunchy content on his “anonymous” Facebook account, Syracuse Memes for Literal Snowflake Teens.
3.) Otto died:
That’s a real orange. Credible sources reportedly heard 110-year-old janitor Mike Clemons say, “That costume-wearing kid hasn’t been here since 1993.” You’re so distracted every time you see “Otto” that you neglect to notice the dozens of angry DPS officers chasing the imposter down. What do you think all those ambulances are about?
2.) You can register for classes anytime:
They just tell you you can’t so you don’t. Go ahead. Try it. Right now.Hmm?! What’d we tell you? It’s a hoax—a giant fucking hoax. One of our very own writers registered for “Northeast New York Beer and Wine Appreciation” when she was only six years old. And while we’re on the subject, everyone has already been accepted to every abroad program; they just kick you out if you don’t go.
1.) Pete Sala owns Canada Goose:
You’re probably thinking, “No, he doesn’t.” Look at No. 5 again and try telling yourself that he doesn’t. Thought so.
*Depends who you ask
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!