Per discussion with the local groundhogs, they have deemed us worthy of 6 more weeks of winter! You heard that right—there are actually groundhogs still in existence here that haven’t been hit by your Toyota Rav4. Let the good times roll, because spring would have probably sucked anyway! Here are some ways to cope with the onset of this tragedy.
6.) Get your snow pants back out:
If you’re a noob, you definitely brought snow pants with you to ‘Cuse. So listen up: dig ‘em back out because there’s about five more lake-effect snow storms heading our way, this week alone. Noob.
5.) Light yourself on fire:
Sometimes burning yourself at the stake is something that can help you three-fold: 1.) You no longer have to deal with the cold, 2.) You exit this world at least very, very warm, and 3.) Your witchcraft is safe.
4.) Accept that what you once called your “stomach” is now a “belly”:
I’ll work out once it starts getting nicer, you said. I’ll go on a diet once I don’t have to bulk up for the wintry weather, you said. Your once-flat(ish) stomach has turned ovaluar, but instead of beating yourself up about it, accept it. Potential uses: a coaster for your beer or even an excuse to get out of classes because you claim “contractions from the pregnancy” (use sparingly).
Always, ALWAYS, keep this as a backpocket coping strategy. Nothing says, “It’s cold out and I have nothing left” quite like sobbing all the way to AST 101.
2.) Apply elsewhere:
The University of Miami is looking pretty freaking sexy right about now. You’re probably gonna have to get down to 8% body fat before applying, though, seeing as the only thing they seem to wear to class all year are bathing suits.
1.) Churn butter and move westward:
Now is your destiny. Manifest it. Ride your horse out into the beckoning horizon and avoid all responsibilities at all costs. Don’t have a horse? Steal your neighbor’s who always seems to have so much more than you and doesn’t forget to remind you.
Buckle up, ladies, gents, and horses. You’re all in for a wintry rodeo these coming weeks, so may the odds be ever in your favor.