Connect with us
Connect with us

Syracuse

You Should Definitely Have a One-Night Stand This Semester

Whoever came up with the idea that winter is “cuffing season” and summer is “hookup season” was an idiot. Every season should be hookup season because commitment is gross. Down with monogamy! Now that that’s been established, let us tell you all the reasons why you should totally have the drunk, sloppy one-night stand that your health teacher warned you against.

5.) It doesn’t matter what you look like:
There’s no such thing as a “summer body” during the dead of winter. But luckily for you, no one cares! That’s right— literally everyone is carrying a little bit of extra fat right now (a few too many Ernie’s to-go boxes, eh? few too many beers at Faegan’s?) And hey, according to some studies, people with bigger bellies actually make better lovers.

4.) It gets lonely:
Some days you’ll be lying in your bed alone, warm, and happy. Other days you’ll be lying in your bed alone, cold, and sad. Sure, you might be wishing you had a significant other in that moment until you remember that you’ve got something way better: Tinder. Swipe your loneliness away, and don’t forget you live in the coldest mid-metropolitan city in America! 

3.) You’ll never recognize them:
Syracuse winters means big puffy coats, scarves that cover your mouth and a hat that’s pulled down all the way to your eyelids. Not only does this mean you won’t see anyone because you physically can’t, but it also means that you won’t recognize anyone because literally everyone looks the same. Rejoice in the fact that you could run into your one-night stand on campus and not even realize that it’s them! The next time you’ll actually be able to tell the difference between people on campus won’t be till the end of April, and you’ll have forgotten all about them by then.

2.) They won’t take up your bed:
The best part about a one-night stand is that you can ask them to leave when you’re done! There’s a myth out there that says you need someone to keep you warm in the winter, but when the heat is blasting in your house the last thing you want is a sweaty body taking up half the bed. Don’t feel bad about seeming like an asshole when you’re kicking them out at 5 a.m. while there’s a blizzard outside—it’s all a part of the college hookup experience.

1.) It makes going out worth it
Remember that time you had a significant other and you just had to drink your Natty Light and watch everyone else stick their tongues down each others throats while grinding to “Ignition (Remix) Pt. 2”? Who would want to feel left out of something THAT sensual? Ditch the relationship and make sure to ignore all your friends once you’re at a party so you can find the perfect person to tentatively dance behind until they turn around and promptly make out with you the whole night. Ah, young lust.

Forget the cuffs this winter and buy some condoms instead. There’s nothing like a hot one nightstand to warm you up after you trekked a whole mile to get to DJ’s 18 and up night. Happy hookup season, you filthy animals!

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from Syracuse

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top