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5 Ways to Look Cool After Eating Shit on the University Place Promenade

Ah, the University Place Promenade. Capitalized for respect and respect only. She prides herself on being the “best heated sidewalk in the east,” yet she disrespects all SU students in her ongoing pursuit to make them slip and fall in front of everyone. How embarrassing. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of ways to still keep your “cool,” even when the Promenade disrespects you to the fullest.

5.) Act like you dropped your JUUL:

There’s nothing that says “I am very cool and hip” quite like walking around with your JUUL. When shit hits the fan and you are falling ass over tea kettle on the Promenade, just simply act like you dropped your JUUL. Anyone who is “very cool and hip” just like you will understand that that’s something to fall over!

4.) Pretend to tie your shoelace:
You simply fell because your Yeezy’s came undone! What kind of disrespect would it be if you left your Kanyeezy West’s untied, especially after the birth of his daughter… what was it… Boston? Tuscaloosa? Ahem. Especially after the birth of his daughter Chicago!

3.) Act like there’s better cell service closer to the ground:

Your iPhone X is still troubleshooting its abilities to send and receive texts, that’s all. You didn’t fall because it’s slippery, nay! You fell because there’s just better reception closer to the cold, wet pavement.

2.) Pretend like you meant to do it:
2018 is the year of owning ourselves. Make a fashion statement after falling and quickly strike a pose. People who understand what a real risk taker is will applaud you for your ability to put yourself out there. Soon everyone will be doing dramatic drops on the promenade in an attempt to be fashion forward!

1.) Cry:
Only the coolest people in the world are capable of really releasing their emotions! Yeah, it hurts! Yeah, you are bleeding! Yeah, your brand new Canada Goose is torn down the back. So fucking cry about it! Let the people know your true and raw emotions. Only then will you get respect as you wallow in sadness on the Promenade in front of everyone.

There’s just simply no excuse to fall on the Promenade and have it not be cool anymore. Gone are the days of being embarrassed. Time to take back the freedom that the Promenade unrightfully stole!

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