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Juice Jam ‘Filth And Dehydration’ Ticket Package Sells Out

As Juice Jam closes its curtains on another year, many disheveled and weary SU students are left wondering whether their purchase of Juice Jam’s “Filth and Dehydration” ticket package was to blame for the way they felt Monday morning.  

The new baseline ticket enhancement, which included a half-full bottle of Barton’s, a used napkin, and a Ziploc bag of Ernie dining hall’s compost, as well as entry into the festival, had many eager students lined up prior to the concert.

Another year of fun in the sun filled with fellow Sadler floormates and high hopes of taking the perfect pic to caption “issa vibe” or “never a dull moment with this one,” took an unexpected dark turn around mid-afternoon when students topped off the half-filled Barton’s and threw up into their used napkins. 

Many found themselves unrecognizable amidst the mosh pit of fraternity wannabes and the haze of illegal smokables.

“I think I was one of the last ones to snag one of those ‘Filth and Dehydration’ packages,” said a SU student, who wished to remain anonymous because he couldn’t recall exactly who he was at that point in time. “I just could not wait to physically, mentally, and emotionally regret my existence in a few hours’ time.”

From a herd of freshman gal pals who were spotted consoling mascara-streaming Francesca, who decided earlier in the day that Juice Jam was the perfect opportunity for a maiden voyage with a pot brownie to “issa vibe” girls that walked around with mustard-stained crop tops, Juice Jam’s “Filth and Dehydration” ticket offering was an “incredible success,” according to a Juice Jam organizer.

“Each year, we’re expecting the storied fuckery that Juice Jam brings to Syracuse,” the organizer said. “Luckily, we were able to meet concertgoers in the middle this year and find a special package that catered to their drunken and savage means.”

As SU students woke up Monday morning greeted with texts concerning an alleged 14 FaceTime calls received the day prior, students seemed to form a consensus about exploring the “Filth and Dehydration” package for next year’s concert.

“I knew Juice Jam was going to be a blast, but I’m really glad I splurged and opted for the ‘Filth and Dehydration’ package,” said Sam Jenkins, a SU sophomore. “It set out to make me hate myself the day after — and it did just that.”

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