February 14 is known as the day of love, except at college, where there is no such thing as love. There is a such thing as lust though, which is why friends with benefits exist. Now you’ve fallen into the tricky territory of sort of kind of having to celebrate this God-awful day, so in order to keep that not-so-special-someone happy, we’ve compiled a noncommittal list to show your fuck buddy that you care but not that much.
5.) The bottle of Andre you picked up at a tailgate:
There you are, jumping up and down to Mr. Brightside and you see an object flying across the parking lot. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s an unopened bottle of Andre hurling towards your head! If you’re lucky enough to avoid a concussion, pick that sucker up and gift it to your favorite fuck buddy. Bonus points if it’s the pink one.
4.) The extra ice scraper you have in the trunk of your car:
Isn’t scraping a foot of snow off your car so romantic? Texting “you up” to your FWB who lives off campus seems like a good idea until they text you back that their car is actually encased in a block of ice. To prevent this cock block from happening, give them the extra ice scraper that your dad left for “emergencies” because not getting it in is definitely an emergency.
3.) A chocolate chip cookie from Ernie Dining Hall:
It’s kind of like buying them chocolates except that it’s free. Pro tip: make sure you bring them one from the middle of the heating tray so it’s hot (but not that hot). This will ultimately symbolize that you sort of like them but not enough to reach for the best cookies on the top of heating tray.
2.) Flowers from an ESF Greenhouse:
They pay SUNY prices to use this expensive ass campus so, yes, steal all their goddamn flowers.
1.) A beer at Flip:
Lucky for all of you, Valentines Day falls on Wednesday, which means flip night at Faegans. If you win the flip you can pay $1 for your newest hookup buddie’s beer and look like the thoughtful person you are. If you lose the flip, you can pay for your beer and awkwardly immerse yourself into the crowd. They have to pay for their own and hope that they get fucked up enough to forget and go home with you anyway. It’s a win-win!
In case you fall into the single category this upcoming Wednesday, just remember that Valentines Day is a fake holiday created by capitalism in order to suck you dry of money on shit no one wants. Fuck the system, and make sure to use protection because love isn’t cool but safe sex is!
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