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Global Warming, As Explained By ESF Sophomore Leaf Johnson

Greetings fellow Earthlings! My name is Leaf Johnson, sophomore at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry (ESF for short). A double major in trees and grass, with a minor in not wearing deodorant, I know a lot about Mother Nature and planet Earth.

I know what you Syracuse students must be thinking: “Get the fuck out of here!” or “You don’t even go here!” but hear me out–I’m trying to teach you a valuable lesson.

As the beloved ESF mascot Oakie the Acorn always says, “Fuck Global Warming!”

Oakie the Acorn, the ACTUAL mascot of SUNY ESF.

The weather recently has literally been crazy. Just bananas! And it’s because the Earth is basically on fire. Climate change is real and scary. One day it’s freezing, the next day it’s hot — hey, what’s up with that? Think about how my precious plants must feel! All freezin’ their little leaf tits off one day, then sweatin’ their balls off the next! (Note to self: Let’s bring up plant gender in my next blog post.)

Last week it snowed so much, I almost couldn’t wear my Birkenstocks outside — thank God it all melted and I can rock my ‘stocks 24/7.

We here at ESF lurk in the shadow of the Dome and are living in its carbon footprint, as well. All that JUUL smoke has to be doing something to the ozone layer. Luckily, I can offer you a few tips on what you can do to help.

First, try not to Uber so much. Instead, walk or ride a bike like me, but don’t steal my bike. Not sure why that keeps happening. Think about all that carbon dioxide coming from the bus you need to take to get to South Campus; just walk instead. It’s not that hard and it really gives you time to connect to nature.

Secondly, shampoo is so bad for the environment, too, especially the plastic bottles it comes in. I like to make my own DIY shampoo. My recipe? Simply mix up some dirt, water, and voila! Spread that shit all over your head. It’s all natural and really good for the ol’ man bun!

Finally, I’d go for a modified vegan diet, very heavy in greens and mushrooms. Where better to get some of our food than our own backyard! I’ve had some of the best meals of my life sourced right from our very own Thornden Park!

Global warming is real, and so are you! And you care about you, so care about our Earth! Simple logic. Hope to see you riding your bike around campus eating some fresh Thornden harvests!


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