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How to Get Your Drunk Friend The Hell Out of Bird Library

It’s the first month of the year, and you’re already feeling worn out.“Beat,” of course. “Numb,” yes. “Taking part in an existential crisis”—now we’re talking! But don’t fret! The Black Sheep has compiled a step-by-step guide on how to get your drunk friend, Becky, from getting shitfaced in the back corner of Bird again.

5.) Address the situation:
Upon discovering Becky kneeling beside the nonfiction section with a handle of strawberry lemonade Svedka, it is best to begin with public humiliation. That really will start the problematic situation off on the right foot. Becky was cutting through Bird before a night out, and was suddenly reminded of all the hardships she had faced the week prior. Great!

4.) Swindle the subject away from the nonfiction section
First of all, no one needs that level of bland in their lives, especially Becky. Quickly lure Becky away from the nonfiction section or else audio tapes of archaic white men will start playing from all angles.

3.) Offer a variety of food options
Once out of the nonfiction abyss, offer Becky some food options that you may or may not be able to follow through with. Flaunt around a 20% off cheesy bread voucher that Domino’s just sexted you. Also offer that old cucumber that has been rotting in the fridge since your health spurt. Anything and everything.

2.) Act natural
Throw a pair of sunglasses on Becky and hook her arm around your shoulder. She is yelling a whole slew of questionable things, yes, but just laugh it off and pretend she is the jokester of the century. Haul her past the crew of Floor 1 Bird dwellers and assure the crowd that she is just stressed about an upcoming MAT 121 exam.

1.) Pride yourself on how “you’re such a mom”
When tucking Becky into bed, make sure to throw on a fully packed backpack and put a glass of lukewarm water in a random glass found on a dirty table. Talk down to Becky and address her like she’s just a stupid toad; she doesn’t deserve phone privileges anyway. Feel thankful that you are such a responsible mom figure in Becky’s life! Know that she would be nothing without you!

Now that everyone knows what to do upon finding best friends drinking irresponsibly in the confines of “the ugliest library in America” (Forbes), we can all pride ourselves on being “literally, a total mom!”

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