Juice Jam is perhaps everyone’s favorite fall semester holiday. The sun is shining, the drinks are cold, the outfits are basically just skin-sweaters, and the music is mediocre. But, how would you know? You forgot the rest of the day one hour into the pregame and have not recalled a Juice Jam since your freshman year when you went with your floor against your will. What’d you drink to forget it all?
5.) Peach vodka, without your blue Gatorade chaser:
So incredibly rude. Like, seriously, does it get any worse than this. You walk up to what was previously a full bottle of blue Gatorade, and all you find is the shell of the bottle with a few blue droplets at the bottom. You’re forced to chug the rest of your peach vodka straight from the teat.
4.) Pregame-hosted beer:
You hate beer. You think it’s glorified “wheat juice.” After your rodeo with the peach vodka, though, you’ll drink anything less abrasive. You stole three Natty Lights from the vegetable drawer in the refrigerator at the dirty pregame.
3.) Cuervo, with limes you found in someone’s fridge:
Wait! Those sweet, green lumps call you from the other side of the vegetable drawer. The only thing that is better than eating a lime whole is to suck it dry post-tequila shot. You find a random bottle of Cuervo and toss it back.
2.) Jello shots from your cool neighbor:
You’ve been trying so hard to impress the cool neighbors throughout this whole pregame, and they finally noticed you enough to…offer you a Jello shot?! You scoop that bitch right out and toss it down your gullet.
You’re talking to cool neighbor for 20 minutes about how good milk is. You’re a milk addict. You can’t stop talking about how good it is, and thank goodness you found some in the mini-fridge. You’re milk mustache turns cool neighbor off. Is milk a juice? You don’t care. This is the best beverage you’ve had all day.
Wait! Has anyone seen your ticket? Please!? You end up not going to Juice Jam. You wake up at 6 p.m. Your headache is truly attempting to murder you. You wonder why you have such intense diarrhea. You’re lactose intolerance seems to be flaring up but you have absolutely zero recollection why! As far as you’re concerned, you haven’t consumed dairy in over a year. You chalk Juice Jam up as a win.
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