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Drunken MVP of Last Year’s SU Family Weekend Expecting Similar Results

Syracuse’s Class of 1980 alumni, Jake Smith, is anxiously awaiting his highly anticipated return to SU Family Weekend to repeat, if not exceed, the drunken success he experienced last year. 

“It’s hard to overstate the importance of this weekend, I want—no, no I need to prove to myself and the entire SU community that last year wasn’t a fluke,” said Mr. Smith when asked if he was excited to see his daughter this upcoming weekend. 

Last year, during this weekend, Mr. Smith accounted for 37 beers, 1,042 hamburgers flipped, 13 large pizzas delivered to various tailgate locations, inciting 1* riot (*details of a second riot are unclear) and ignoring 1 mother of his only child. 

“I don’t do it for the acclaim or ‘to relive the glory days’, I do it for my daughter. So my beautiful little girl can point to the 51- year-old shirtless man with Otto stickers over his nipples, shotgunning a beer with total strangers and say ‘That, right there, is my old man.’” 

Family Weekend is a time for the university to kid itself that no parties will be thrown, and a time for students to further exploit their parents for food and resources during the day while avoiding them at night. Jake Smith in the past few years has become an activist against the exploitation and evasion of parents during this weekend. 

“Listen, it’s called Family Weekend for a reason…and that reason is for the students’ financial subsidizers to be a part of the students’ social lives. We’re all called to engage in conversations with intoxicated students, be intoxicated ourselves, wear blue jeans and something that says ‘Syracuse,’ and inevitably be remembered forever.”

Those who fell short of the Most Valuable Parent award last year wasted most of their efforts food shopping in Tops, taking their child and child’s roommate to dinner, cleaning apartments and providing transportation.

“I’m not gonna sit around at the Crown Plaza, like last year’s losers, and wait ‘til it’s convenient for my daughter to see me, instead I’m going to force my way into her social circle, drink excessively and intimidate any male student I see. And I encourage each and every parent to do the same.”

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