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Op-Ed: I Didn’t Cancel School So I Could Watch You All Eat Shit

Dearest Orangmen, 

It’s Kent Syverud, your president and fearless leader. You might’ve just woken to news that your campus is expecting to get fucked by Nor’Easter Quinn on top of the snow we already have, and guess what? School isn’t cancelled. It’s true; as I sit here, counting my year-end bonus by the roaring fireplace in my office, snow is indeed falling from the sky. And there’s still class, motherfuckers. 

Before you scream and get on your knees to beg to your beautiful president, let me be clear: I’m making you walk in the fucking snow and loving the fact that most of you are misrable. It warms whatever organ beats in my chest knowing you all would be slipping and eating shit on Crouse. 

The reason for the lack of a snow day is easily explainable. After I called an early-morning emergency tuition-hike meeting with fellow overlords here at Syracuse, my secretary told me I had a decision to make: give you school, or give you the day off. It made me damn-near joyous to be faced with a decision. And, oh boy, the fact that I sat in my office by the roaring fireplace while I listened to the news say we were in some “state of emergency” made me feel so warm inside.

It was euphoric knowing you all were going to eat shit. 

Perhaps it’s the serenity that snow brings that gives me the ultimate clarity to say this now: go fuck yourself, Orangemen. I love seeing you all eat shit on the way to class today because I know you all talk shit about me when I’m not around, in classes early in the morning and in dorms late at night.

I know the things you say: Kent is such a piece of shit, always raising our tuition; or Kent Syverud? More like President Fuckwad McFuckerson, I hate him so muchor, perhaps the worst of them all: Kent Syverud is not a man to be trusted.

And that’s fine—my soul is as black as the wood that burns in front of me. I know this. But remember that whenever snow falls in Syracuse, Kent Syverud sits at the right hand of God and will make you go to class (Friday was out of my control, fuck off). So, before you wish that we get more snow from Nor’Easter Quinn, be careful what you wish for. 

Whether today’s snow, tomorrow’s snow, or next year’s snow is just a dusting or goes well past your kneecaps, you will walk to class. 

School is always in session, motherfuckers. 

Kent Syverud
President of Syracuse University


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