The time has come where you get your housing lottery number for next semester and pray to whoever the fuck is up there that you aren’t stuck in a 4×2 room on the 18th floor of Lawrinson. But, what if you could guarantee yourself that spacious sweet in Watson? The Black Sheep is here to tell you how to rig this shit, and who to bow down to to make it happen.
5.) Otto the Orange:
Yes, our friendly mascot may be able to get you the lottery number hookup. In case you didn’t know, Otto basically runs this school, so he’s got connections everywhere on campus. There is a small price you have to pay though: Otto requires a hug, a tray of authentic sushi, and a short choreographed dance every time you see him. This may not seem like a lot, but he will come looking for you, and you can’t hide from a fruit this big.
If you aren’t able to get a hold of Otto, then the Chancellor is the next best thing. Perhaps send him an email or give his office a call. If he starts to ignore your good intentioned pestering, just go straight up to his house and knock on the door. If he doesn’t answer you can always get some Matzo ball soup across the street at Hillel to wait him out.
3.) Kent’s wife:
They say that if you can’t convince a man your next best bet is to convince his wife. We might have just made that up, but it seems like a good idea. Get in touch with Kent’s wife and calmly explain to her that she should convince her husband to give you a good lottery number by threatening to divorce him if he doesn’t. Honestly, it’s foolproof.
2.) Sleep with the housing director:
So, Kent has gotten a restraining order against you, no biggie. This next one is a tried and true method. Just think of all the girls who failed all their tests but still managed to get an A in intro to bio. Spoiler alert: They gave it up to their ancient professor, but it was worth it. Try seeking out the housing director and working your seduction magic.
1.) Hold the entire Housing office hostage:
So the housing director is happily married and doesn’t want to sleep with you, your next and final move is just to hold the entire office hostage. It might sound extreme (it is), but if you don’t get a good lottery number you’ll have a better room in jail.
The Black Sheep cannot be held responsible if any of these methods get you expelled, arrested, or killed. Good luck, folks!
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