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5 Reasons the Schine Stressbuster Actually Induces Stress

The end is nigh. Finals are really about to attack you from all angles, and Schine thinks it’s in your best interest to go pretend your stress doesn’t exist. To help with the matter, Schine’s stressbuster prepares a whole slew of activities that are actually the most stressful thing, perhaps in the world, and we’re here to lay them out so you don’t have a heart attack. 

5.) The pancake “breakfast”:
First of all, its 11 p.m. on a Sunday night. Nothing says “stress” quite like carbo-loading and binge eating in the wee hours of the night. Secondly, the line is literally out the door. Your blood pressure is through the roof watching all those dumbass freshmen cut you in line because, somehow, their DJ’s Gold Card works in Schine?

4.) The inflatable jousting arena:
“Hey Professors, sorry I can’t take a single final this week and have to opt to fail out of the class! I have a major concussion! Thanks, bye!” You take a giant Q-tip to the face, and you’re going to wish you would’ve waited in that line for pancakes. 

3.) The wait for the dogs:
The line to even see the dogs is un-be-liev-able. There are screaming girls everywhere, acting like this is maybe their first interaction in their lives with an animal, and last semester chaos ensued when the only dogs brought in were wiener dogs. Consequently, people were offended by their “phallic shape,” and “didn’t know if they should look it directly in the eyes.”

2.) The walk:
This honestly should not even be categorized as a “walk.” This is so much more along the lines of “trek,” “mission,” or “expedition.” Why leave the comfort of your own home to battle the -3 degree winds (lookin’ at those hurricane force winds near Gate C of the Dome), the 90% chance of snow forecast, and the obscene amount of stress it takes to even get there?

1.) The goody bags:
Not sure what is so “goody” about getting a Ziploc bag full of hard candy found in your grandmother’s living room, a No. 2 pencil made of wood (you hate wood), and a three-pack of condoms. There’s nothing quite like the stress of being reminded of your nonexistent sex life.

Here’s to another finals week made even more difficult by the great deal of pancakes being shoved down your throat and wiener dogs being thrown at you from all sides.

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