With the ACC tournament upon us, we’re faced with seeing coaches from the ACC in rapid fire, and guess what? We hate their faces. Without further ado, The Black Sheep presents a roast of the top eight ACC Men’s Basketball coaches that will warm you up this basketball season.
8.) Mike Krzyzewski — Duke University:
Most commonly known as Coach K, Mike Krzyzewski is the head coach for the Duke Blue Devils. Among his many accolades, perhaps his most impressive is his ability to hold in a sneeze for nearly four consecutive decades and look just as upset by it every single day of his life.
7.) Tony Bennett — University of Virginia:
The University of Virginia’s Tony Bennett is not only the second-best existing Tony Bennett, he also coaches the second best basketball team by the name of the “Cavaliers.” Additionally, while being second place of a conference as tough as the ACC is impress– WAIT, he’s number one right now? Oh never fucking mind, carry on big guy. Really old Tony Bennett can take a back seat.
6.) Jim Larrañaga — University of Miami:
If Jim Boeheim was your homework assignment, and someone asked if they could copy it, and you agreed on the condition that enough changes would be made so that it isn’t too obvious, Jim Larrañaga would be the product. Alternatively, you could close your eyes and think of what oatmeal would look like if it were a person to achieve the same result.
5.) Leonard Hamilton — Florida State University:
FSU’s Leonard Hamilton looks like someone who hates the fact that his daughter chose to date you, of all people, even though you’ve been married for six years. He looks like he’s waiting patiently until the moment you make a mistake, besides merely existing. He’s waiting to finally slap you upside the head. He’ll do it in a way that implies that he thinks the shine coming off of his strangely square, yet egg-shaped head is brighter than your future.
4.) Roy Williams — University of North Carolina:
Roy Williams, like Coach K, is an accomplished guy. But in comparison to holding in a sneeze, Williams is consistently on the verge of shitting his pants. He simultaneously maintains the appearance of a dentist who just wants you to know that the difference between good teeth and great teeth is just a little bit of flossing every day.
3.) Brad Brownell — Clemson University:
We’re not sure if Clemson University’s Brad Brownell has more hair than the average basketball coach, or if he just found a way to transfer the hair from his eyebrows to the top of his head. We’re also not sure what it is about him, but he looks like a newly instated high school principal who just wants to make an impact on the education system, and high-fives every student he sees in the halls.
2.) Mike Brey — Notre Dame:
Mike Brey is the coach for Notre Dame’s team, The Fighting Irish. Coincidentally, he looks like he could be the boss of a mob by the same name. He looks like he demands to be referred to only as “Big Mike,” and wants you to know that he will make sure that whoever fucked with you will be “taken care of.” It’s important to mention that he looks like he’s killed a man with his bare hands. Even though he could fit at least one of his hands fully on his forehead.
1.) Buzz Williams — Virginia Tech:
While a chicken may not be able to fly, an egg is more than capable. An egg can apparently also coach a fairly successful basketball team over at Virginia Tech. While he and his team have got some serious hops, it’s important to remember that Syracuse has defeated them before. SU is only one below in terms of standings, and we will do it again.
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