With every semester at Syracuse, there are certain aspects of our lives we must bury deep, deep, deep into the ground. This semester in particular has brought along more “Ls” than you can count, and now it is time to lay all those Ls to rest. Think of it as a funeral celebrating all the worst parts of yourself. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of all the things you should be preparing a coffin for.
5.) Your basketball jersey
Shoot this one in the skull if you have to. You’ve worn it to every single goddamn tailgate and it is time to bury this once and for all. It is beer stained, unwashed, and smells like a healthy blend of rejection and uncooked Ernie wings.
4.) Your ankles:
You’ve slipped on icy frat walkways/stairs too many times to count. But remember: they don’t give a fuck about your ankles, they just care about your personality. You’ve twisted both ankles to the point where you have a sexy set of cankles, and they will never be the same. Rest in several shattered pieces.
3.) Your toilet paper supply:
Living off-campus was all fun and games until you ran out of the essential materials and everyone in the house was too lazy to go get some more. Set aside a funeral time for all the cardboard toilet paper rolls that are now piling up where actual rolls should be. Instead of wiping your ass with a cottony two-ply, you are now opting to just hop in the shower every time you use the bathroom.
2.) Your clean kitchen:
This one was euthanized the first week of school. Give it the proper funeral it deserves.
1.) Your knack for stealing food:
Enough of this bullshit, lay it to rest. You can only intercept your next door neighbors’ pizza delivery so many times before someone gets a Molotov cocktail thrown into their home (you). Have a funeral for this bad habit or it very well may be you arranging your own funeral. Shit gets serious when food is involved.
Funerals are expensive but not when money is of no object to you here at Syracuse University, land of the wealthy and good-looking. So hop to it and start mourning the loss of your shitty semester.
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