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Shit You’re Definitely Too Old for at Syracuse University

You’re an upperclassman now. Great, right? Wrong. The days are getting longer and harder to bear, arthritis has set in, and you’re just now cut out to do the same stuff you used to do when you were a young and spritely freshman. What once was easy to accomplish freshman year has now becoming an ongoing burden during your senile years. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of all the shit you’re too old for at Syracuse University, ya old fart.

5.) DJ’s:
Like, duh. What was once was a wonderland of hook-ups galore and tasty beverages has turned into you cautiously avoiding the sticky vodka-stained floor and actively avoiding everyone you exchanged Snapchats with from your first semester freshman year. 

4.) Binge-drinking:
How in god’s name did you used to toss back a speedy-quick nine shots in the span of three minutes? One shot now, and you’re gagging up your pasta into your off-campus, rust-filled kitchen sink.

3.) Late-night takeout:
Freshman year brought along countless Calios, Jimmy John’s subs, and Domino’s pizzas. Now, those barbecue chicken calzones, Totally Tuna subs, and extra cheese homemade pans aren’t sitting too hot at 2 a.m. You are forced to take an antacid and call it a night after just a few bites. Such a stark contrast to a short time ago when polishing off one of those babies was no feat at all.

2.) Throwing up in a public trash can:
Cut it out. You’re practically a real adult. You’re close to cashing out your Social Security. Stop this bullshit.

1.) Hooking up with professors
Like most everyone did freshman year, hooking up with your professor is a thing of the past. Clearly you’re ready to move on to bigger and better things, none of which involves “tenure at a large private university” and “a BMW with a Q1 parking pass.”

Where do we sign up for assisted living? We’re getting too old to keep up with all these goddamn youngsters.

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