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Top 5 Spots to Contract the Mumps at Syracuse University

If you’ve been lucky enough to avoid the horrific illness that is the mumps, congratulations. But if you’re bored, desperate for attention, aiming to be publicly shamed by most of your peers or just simply want to go home, then you’ve come to the right place. Mumpsgate™️ looks like it’s here to stay. Word on the street is that if the number of Mumps cases on campus reaches 50, the entire school gets to go back home to Long Island. So if you want to take one for the team, here are the top five places most likely to host the perfect strain of the mumps at Syracuse University.

5.) DJ’s on the Hill:
This place is trash. Come here on a Thursday for a less-than-mediocre time to wake up the next morning with either a severe case of the mumps or a townie in your bed. Or both, if you’re lucky.

4.) The DJ’s Bathroom:
A subdivision was absolutely necessary. Beyond the filth that is DJ’s (bar), is the unfortunate sight that is the parasite-invested DJ’s (restroom). Mumps isn’t the only thing you could contract here! Enter at your own risk for a two-for-one deal on not only the mumps, but a likely incurable STD simply by touching the doorknob. Return to the main bar to resume your attempt. Mumps hopefully acquired. Mission (maybe) accomplished.

3.) The Promenade
If the thought of $6 million pavers funded by your tuition bill doesn’t make your salivary glands inflate and body temperature reach triple-digits, what does? Slow walkers are not the only parasites on the promenade!

2.) Castle Court (after Syracuse beat Clemson (still not over it)): 
Nothing screams “infected” quite like half of the student body congregated in a mass that is Castle Court. Breathing everyone’s air during the outbreak of an ancient-disease in a developed world is nothing short of a brilliant tactic. Might as well start tracking flights to JFK pronto, as this nasty shit has a three-week latency period. Hopefully you inhaled enough of a previously-infected person’s air in order to fall ill! But if you didn’t, have no fear. There’s still one more chance to put the final nail in your coffin that is the public humility accompanying the mumps.

1.) The Bird Library Basement:
“Facey” has never been more synonymous with “disease-ridden.” If your efforts thus far have been futile, the final place you can venture to hopefully contract the mumps is no other than the Bird Library Basement. Coined “Club Bird” for its notorious reputation as the primary socialization hub for students, there is no better place to interact with more contagions. How exhilarating! Spend your night engaging in more painful small-talk than usual with Matt from PSY 205 Recitation. Keep the conversation going a bit longer to increase your chances of exposure by promising to “catch up” when you both know that you’re lying through your damn teeth: It’s been three years Matt, why in Gods name would we hang out?

There you have it. The complete and final list of “hot spots” to most likely to acquire this vile illness on the Syracuse campus. May the odds be in your favor.

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