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Recent Study Suggests Schine Wraps ‘Too Cheap to Be Just Chicken’

You’re hungry as all hell and only have a few short minutes in between class. What are you going to do? Definitely not swipe into Ernie. But you will go visit Glenda, the snack wrap woman of our dreams, and get your hands on one of those delicious chicken wraps. Honey mustard? Buffalo? Ranch? They’re all there, ripe for the taking. 

But, little did you know that what you’re really eating probably isn’t chicken. Two dollars for a slice of heaven? It’s too good to be true. 

With an impressive slate of up-and-coming technology and science available in the world (i.e. Sophia the robot, the iPhone X, essential oil diffusers with an automatic timer so you don’t have to hoist your lazy ass out of bed and turn it off with your own two God-given hands), there’s no doubting that Schine was bound to be exposed at some point with some cold, hard scientific reasoning. 

After noticing a recent influx in Canada Goose wearers on campus, staff for The Black Sheep wondered: Each jacket comes with a whole lotta feathers, but where does the carcass go?

Perhaps, our study shows, these geese are going directly into your stomach every time you eat a Schine wrap. 

Pete Sala has an answer to almost everything. But when confronted on the idea that snack wraps are actually goose wraps, he stuttered his way around us.

“The… uh… updates to the promenade… are,” Sala said, before escaping behind a revolving bookcase. Though we didn’t ask about the promenade, and beams of ultraviolet light began beaming from his eyes (a story for a different time), it left us still wondering: These wraps can’t be chicken, can they? 

During a typical weekday, there’s a three-hour window you can snag one of these Schine wraps. What’s going on for the other 21 hours? Recent scientific research (that is both very smart and very accurate) has found that goose meat takes around 20 hours to cure and prepare. Coincidence? Absolutely-the-fuck not.

When is the last time you saw a goose on this campus? You know, it is peculiar that geese like to hang out in large groups, especially, one would assume, in the armpit of America Central New York. But why is it you never bump into a goose on the quad? Slipping on the promenade? Sitting atop the several randomly-placed statues on campus? Why no goose professors?

That’s right — because they are all in your Schine wraps. 

Eat up, you filthy mammal. Enjoy your goose meat.

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