Even though May was just three short months ago, the memories of last semester are basically gone (what fraternity scandal?). Between not picking up a book once and frying your brain in the summer heat, your IQ for sure dropped a couple points. You may have even forgotten about the Syracuse Jesus Man, and the rest of these people from Syracuse, but they sure as shit didn’t forget about you!
5.) The Jesus Man:
Oh baby — the Jesus man is roaring and ready to go. Let’s be honest, the summer is a time for sin, and nobody loves sinners more than Marshall Street’s resident freaky preacher. While you were out having fun in the sun and relaxing, he was practicing his prayers and counting down the days until he could shout at students. Think the heat will stop his antics? Wrong, think again. He will be there wearing his weird wooden shirt thing no matter the weather
4.) The security guard who watched you throw up in the dorm elevator:
It was a wild Saturday night, you had just finished pounding back drinks with your boys. You returned to your building and managed to swipe in and enter no problem. You’re in the clear, when boom it hits you: You yak right there in the elevator, you disgusting piece of shit. A whole calzone! As the doors close you make eye contact with the front door guy. Something in his sad eyes says he will never forget you. You will live on in his memories forever, vomit elevator kid.
3.) The president of the club you signed up for and never attended:
For those 20 minutes you walk around the student involvement fair, getting free shit, you actually think this year might be different. Will you ever attend one meeting? Absolutely fucking not. And, while you may have forgotten about the underwater lacrosse club, they didn’t forget about you. Because of you, they didn’t have enough players for the league and lost their funding. You dead ass ruined the club captain’s life, and he will never forgive you.
2.) The GoPuff delivery guy who watched you blow your trust fund on Doritos and Skittles:
Whether you were under the influence, trying to recover, or just straight up lazy, GoPuff is both a blessing and a curse. Last year, your deliveries became so frequent that you could tell the driver just by the sound of their car skidding in the snow. You may not remember their names, but they remember yours, or at least your dad’s name on the credit card they are using for all your orders.
1.) The bouncer who denied you last year who will do it again:
Picture this: You and the squad roll up to unnamed bar location, ready to pound some Vod Crans and get then promptly get kicked out for juuling. You get in line (back of course, front is for chumps) and study up on your ID, you know that shit like the back of your hand. Suddenly, your first. You take a deep breath and hand him your ID and credit card (two forms baby!) He doesn’t even fucking look at it, he knows. This year is different, he’s definitely forgotten all about you right? Wrong, bitch. He remembers your face and the fact you are definitely not 21. Try again next year homie.
At the end of the day who cares? All that shit is so last semester. New year, new you right? Besides, you have this entire year to make more questionable choices and bad decisions. Go out there and make some new memories!
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