Students were overjoyed to learn that construction of our beloved Carrier Dome will be finalized within the next 75 years. The newly-appointed date is 20 years earlier than the previous deadline.
The plan was announced after Chancellor Kent had a moment of inspiration, while arranging potted plants in his office. “A brilliant idea hit me,” said Kent. “Why not ditch my succulent farming ambitions, and instead focus all attention toward remodeling The Dome in such a spectacular way, that those paying for it will never see it?
Unfortunately, the change in deadline required a few sacrifices. Syracuse University was forced to ditch the development of Promenade 2.0 and heated sidewalks. “Our 6 billion dollar sidewalk is just not the same without bringing in Promenade 2.0,” said Kent, dejectedly clutching the blueprints, using the rejected papers as a handkerchief to wipe his tears.
During the height of finals, for the next 72 years, 500 bulldozers will arrive on campus to aid construction efforts. However, only five workers are certified to operate the machinery. The remaining 495 bulldozers will idly wait their turn, parked throughout the Quad. Once the bulldozers arrive, entering the campus by foot will no longer be an option. Syracuse encourages students to purchase a small aircraft, in addition to necessary textbooks. A landing strip will be situated outside Carnegie allowing students to safely enter campus.
In addition to work on The Dome, in 2018 (the summer of course, as to avoid student protests), a replica of an ancient Mayan Temple will be built on the roof of Graham Dining Hall in order for students to admire and worship the construction of the Dome. Students walking within a 4-mile radius of The Mount will be forced to wear hard hats to avoid injury caused by falling debris.
Touring the Mayan Temple will be $10.00 cash or $65.00 on SUpercard.
While some remain dissatisfied by the constant construction on campus, few can deny that a quick 75 years is worth the wait. With the extra walking time, students can reflect on what a gorgeous campus this will be long after they’re graduated and/or dead.
You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?