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Are Syracuse’s Water Bottle Filling Stations Dispensing Liberal Juice?

Not-So-Dear Liberal College Snowflakes,

The time has come for you to end these antics. Back in the old days, we drank from spigot or a trough where we’d share our ideas, and that’s just how the free-market economy rolled around.  You think you’re all so high and mighty, preaching your liberalism near and far, but here’s a red pill for you S’well-collecting cucks: those “water bottle filling stations,” or whatever dumbass word you’ve come up for them at this point, are actually a steady flow of the purest form of liberal juice. Don’t believe me? Check these out. 

5.) You all have the same water bottle:
It’s kind of peculiar how you all walk around, preaching your liberal agenda and hold those same oddly-shaped water bottles. You all can’t stop gloating about how the water “stays cold for so long,” but that phallic-shaped capsule holds many secrets–maybe secrets like how to create an email with a valid password containing a capital letter, symbol, and number? Secrets like “Venmo”? Secrets like well-timed gifs? Sounds fishy to me. 

4.) You all wear the same clothing:

Nice to see that you’re all on-set for your crisis acting workshop. Interesting choice in cardigan, Sarah. Would love to see which liberal agenda your costume designer is pushing. You all start drinking from those stations, then BAM, it’s Canada Goose city out here. A uniformed army!

3.) Your Twitter machines are out of hand:
Why don’t yinz just write each other letters like the good old days? Now you’ve decided to roast all your governors and shit on this online bird forum, pushing all your “equality” ideas. Housing crisis? Never heard of it. Bought a house when I was 9-years-old because I worked my patookie off. You sit there sipping your liberal juice from your $70 water bottle, all high and mighty, scrolling through the pigeon feed, scoping out who to attack next with equality.

2.) You’re ALL vegan:

What the fuck does this even mean? You’re tellin’ me you don’t eat our Lord’s creatures? You take one sip from those stations and next thing ya know, you’re eating kale for b-fast, lunch, and supper!

1.) You girls no longer shave your underpits:

Your liberal juice pushes you to be hairy mongrels? Wow, that’s so awesome. I hope your “”””gender equality”””” is still ringing true when you grow a huge beard and have the strength of several oxen. Like me. Sipping on juice one day, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your leg hair” the next.

Keep sipping your water bottle filling station liberal beverage, you bunch of sausage-sucking snowflakes.


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