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Top 5 Things Freshmen Have Already Missed Out at Syracuse

Nothing says “Welcome to SU” quite like feeling as though you’re already on the outside of one massive inside joke. Lucky for the Class of 2021, there are plenty of things that are constantly changing and making you feel left out! So get ready to top off that move-in anxiety and hear about all the things that you’ll never experience:

5.) The Lack of Promenade:
The time is 2 B.P. (before promenade). All is well. The birds are chirping, the students are smiling, the black squirrels are cutting right in front of you on the sidewalk. But oh? What’s this? A bus barreling towards you at 90 mph? That’s right: before the promenade was a safe haven for slow-walking antics, it was a full-blown road where South buses had full reign to plow you over. Lucky for the freshmen, you were too late.

4.) Ernie as the Best Dining Hall:
In a time not too far ago, Ernie was the King for best d-hall around. The chicken had all feathers taken out of it, the frozen vegetables were actually cooked all the way through, the fruit wasn’t fermented, and the beef wasn’t the consistency of a MAT 221 textbook. Too bad you missed out on all the good ol’ days because now the Class of 2021 is stuck with tea-stained eggs and random condiments thrown together to take the form of a “casserole.”

3.) Dorms Without Communal Bathrooms:
You spoiled, rotten bitches get to do your business in the privacy of your own stall. A few years back, private bathrooms were a hot commodity for a small number of elite freshman dorms only. Gone are the times when residents had the option to cleanse in the infamous Day Hall bathtub. Talk of there ever being split showers in Flint was blasphemy. Dellplain? Don’t even get us started.

2.) DJ’s as Laughing Stock of Bars:
DJ’s used to be exclusive to only freshman just because of how purely shitty it is. But, the funny thing about being the new best bar on campus is that sometimes it happens because it’s the ONLY bar on campus. Yeah, there’s Harry’s, but the amount of toxic masculinity that place oozes makes it seem not even redeemable on this list. Before the Class of 2021 strutted in, we had Lucy’s and Chuck’s to fuel our alcoholism, seen only as “Okay” because “it’s college” and “we’re just 20-year-olds having fun” and “that paper isn’t due ‘til Tuesday.”

1.) A Campus with Funk N’ Waffles: 
A tough blow to newcomers all around is a world without Funk N’ Waffles. There for you on the darkest mornings, or the drunkest nights, Funk had everything from chicken and waffles, to brownie sundae waffles, to fried egg and ham waffles. Pretty much if it’s in the cabinet, it’s going on a goddamn waffle. The Class of 2021 will never get to experience the sweet succulence of a handful of chicken lo-mein slabbed on top of a whole wheat waffle. Sorry!

Honestly, it’s going to be hard to have such a fun time at ‘Cuse because you’ve already missed out on so much! Too bad your college experience is going to suck since you have private bathrooms and a promenade.


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