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The 5 Trust-Fund Babies You Will See In Line at DJ’s

Who doesn’t love a good night out at ‘Cuse’s finest establishment? Whether you are more of a front entrance death-staircase gal, or a scary alley backdoor kind of guy, you’ve definitely waited in line at DJ’s with some of these people before.

5.) The Old Money:
Step aside ladies–your prince charming is here. He’s preppy as fuck, rocking a Vineyard Vines shirt paired with a Patagonia vest. He’ll get pretty rowdy on the line (his nanny never really taught him how to wait his turn), and if being in Whitman for one-and-a-half semesters has taught him anything, it’s something about investments maybe? Who knows–he definitely doesn’t! His hobbies include playing golf, hanging out in the Hamptons, and letting girls know how rich he is. Fight him, he doesn’t care, his dad’s a lawyer and will take care of it.

4.) The Sugar Daddy:
After a long day at the office, there’s no place quite like DJ’s to relax and unwind. He might only be 26, but in college years, he’s basically a grandpa. He is already planning his retirement fund, but he’s not afraid to dip into that 401k if it means getting some 19-year-old bitches. He’ll still be wearing his suit from work, but with a loose tie and a top button undone, so it’s clear he is in party mode. While he’s the only person on the line with a real ID, the bouncer will still do a double take because why the fuck would an actual 26 year old want to be at DJ’s?

3.) The Frequent Flyer:
He is here every fucking night, without fail. His major is partying, with a minor in pulling bitches (LOL just kidding, he’s actually undecided in Arts and Sciences). He knows all the bouncers by name, and even has the DJ’s card. At this point the stamps on his hand are just kind of a gross layered blob. He hates waiting in line almost as much as he hates his stepmom (suck a fat one, Rebecca!). The lights and music give him bar mitzvah flashbacks, and it’s unclear if he ever really leaves or just sleeps on the chlamydia couches in the back until the next party.

2.) The Jewish American Princess:

She rolls up with her sorority, already too drunk to talk from five shots of Green Apple Smirnoff. Her and her friends are basically clones of each other, wearing all black, spray tan, and from Long Island or North Jersey. Once they get in, they will all huddle around the big fan that blows the vomit smell around, and talk about camp memories. She orders a vodka cranberry pitcher, and you can bet your flat ass a pic of that is going on the ‘ol Snapchat story. She’ll pay for it with her platinum card, which she’ll probably accidentally leave at the bar, along with her Louis Vuitton wallet and her dignity.

1.) The Exchange Student:
You’re too afraid to come across as racist if you ask where they are from, so you just don’t. On top of that, they’re fucking loaded. You wonder how the they ended up in Syracuse, but you’re distracted by their outfit. It seems to be a red trench coat made of sweatshirt material with matching pants? It’s pretty fucking ugly, but supposedly it’s high fashion? Either way, it’s worth more than you are as a human person. They drive a fucking G wagon,  own so many pairs of fancy sneakers that the layer of slime on the floor doesn’t even phase them, and they’ll ask the bouncer if he can break a $100 bill to pay for the $15 cover. Incredible!

There’s no such thing as having dull moments in line at DJs!

 

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