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Top 5 Reasons You’re an Ugly and Fat Gremlin During Syracuse Winters

Spring semester is a fun time. There’s basketball, Mayfest, about 100 inches of snow and a wind chill that will smack you in the face so hard that it gets kinky. Actually, spring semester is the fucking worst and to top it all off, this insanely cold weather affects you in all aspects of your life ESPECIALLY your physical appearance. That’s right, you’re about to catch the ugly. The Black Sheep is here to prepare you for all the ways that you’re going to look like a gremlin this semester. You’re welcome!

5.) You eat like a fucking linebacker:
What are you going to do when there’s snow up to your eyeballs and it’s -30 degrees? Binge eat an entire pizza under four blankets and watch Netflix, duh. Sure, this wouldn’t be a big deal if it were once in a while, except that it is every damn day here in the tundra. Walking to the gym after class is a distant memory as far as your concerned. Who needs a summer body when you’ve got gigantic sweaters and chocolate?

4.) Your lips are always chapped:
They’re not just a little bit chapped either. It’s more like the dead skin is falling off the dead skin that’s on your lips. Every time you smile, they crack just a little bit more until you’re gushing blood. Now is the time for your best “resting bitch face,” and about 30 tubes of the Chapstick that you’re going to lose over and over again.

3.) Your hair is disgusting:

If you go out with wet hair, you might as well say goodbye to i because it will turn into an icicle and then promptly break right off your head. If you go out with straight hair, it will curl. If you go out with curly hair, it will frizz. On the bright side, it is hat season!

2.) You’ve got bruises all over your body:
Why did the school think that heated promenade was going to be a good idea? Sure it melts the snow…and then it makes it slippery as fuck. You’ll be busting your ass pretty much every time you walk to class. Your ego won’t be the only thing that’s bruised.

1.) You’re so pale it’s scary:

There’s no sun. Literally. You’re transparent. You will not see the sun for three months. Enjoy your time as a vampire.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better everyone is going to look just as ugly as you are!

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!

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