Yay! Mayfest is today! Meaning you’re basically just hyping yourself up for a glorified picnic. $3 beer? That sure sounds delicious! Since you’re going to be in a large group of people for the next 12 hours, it’s important to really assert your dominance. With that dominance, however, comes a lot of crowd hatred towards you. Here are some ways you can make everyone hate you at Mayfest.
6.) Vomit up a corn dog:
But, if you’re gonna do it, do it right. That kind of thing. Find the most publicly-accessible place and really just take a load off right in the middle of it. Ah, yes, the sweet scent of a Bacardi-infused corn crust.
5.) Be a ticket scalper:
Yeah, you bought the ticket for $25, but seriously make sure you turn that right around and sell it for $150. Just pretend like everyone you’re trying to sell it to isn’t in the exact same financially burdened boat as you are, buddy. Additionally, keep asking your weed dealer to take $5 off because you’re a returning customer.
4.) Spritz sunscreen on yourself:
You need to do this when the wind picks up to just over 10 mph. That way, it’ll also get into the mouths of all surrounding attendees.
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3.) Urinate in the public eye:
Nothing says, “I am trash,” quite like pullin’ those high-waisted Urban jeans down in the middle of a crowded park at 2 p.m.
2.) Wear zero clothing:
Everyone keeps saying they are stressed about what to wear! It’s shocking, really, because the quickest way to assert dominance is to show up naked. Also, there’s nothing to worry about except bleaching your asshole.
1.) Call SZA “Scissor”:
This is bound to ruffle a few feathers here and there. For extra points, keep convincing yourself that SZA is the one who sings “Chandelier” and wears the half-brunette, half-blonde wig.
Maybe instigating fights with your fellow peers will give you a better Mayfest than expected!