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Woah: The Marshall Street Starbucks Wasn’t Even Close When They Spelled ‘Molly’

There’s no doubt that Starbucks has a serious issue when it comes to spelling your name correctly. There’s something truly special about the West Campus and Marshall Street Starbucks locations, though. You walk in there, your name is Sam, and you walk out with a cup labeled Starfish. Here is a recent study of local Syracuse student, Molly, enduring an absolutely brutal five consecutive trips to the Starbucks on campus, and what her cups were labeled as.

5.) “Mollie”:

Okay, not too bad. Molly is a mild-pain smiley face. It could definitely still pass as a real name, but she did use her Starbucks app that very clearly listed her name with a “y” at the end.

4.) “Mawly”:

To be honest, things just did get a little weird. Molly, on her shitty iPhone 6 Plus, looks up if there even is anyone named Mawly. Is this a freaking joke? She has to respect the fact that it does phonetically add up, but is a little bit more pissed off than the previous poor spelling.

3.) “Mark”:

Okay?? Molly is in a little bit more pain now. It definitely hurts even more. She wonders if she even looks like a Mark! If she were a boy her parents were going to name her Patrick, so something is definitely not adding up. She questions if the baristas are even listening to her, nevertheless noticing her feminine winged eyeliner that no man named Mark would be able to handle.

2.) “Poseidon”:

Um, as in God of the sea, earthquakes, storms, and horses? This one hurts a lot, seeing as Molly is morbidly afraid of horses! Horses are just one, big, scary, walking nightstand but that’s beside the fact. This coffee just does not taste right without her name correctly spelled.

1.) “Brett Kavanaugh”:

But literally what the fuck? Molly is absolutely in the worst pain possible after seeing this atrocity on her Pumpkin Spice Latte. She vows to never enter Starbucks again.

Molly’s strike on attending Starbucks for her morning brew leads her to briefly become a regular at Dunkin’ Donuts, a quaint little doughnut shop in Schine. Molly quickly realizes that they don’t even ask for her name when she goes to Dunkin’ Donuts, in addition to yelling at her to order faster. She resorts back to being called Mordecai at the Starbucks locations.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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