Tennessee’s football program is in one of its never-ending “rebuilding” periods at the moment, under the guide of coach Jeremy Pruitt. While the Vols might have had success in the past — meaning 1998 and virtually nothing else — last year was the football equivalent of a dumpster fire. However, it is not fully mental to give up before the 2018 season has even truly begun. With the Orange and White game now in the past, it is only fair to judge and predict each game as realistically and fairly as possible.
Orange and White Game:
Finally, Tennessee won! And lost. It was surprising to see the unorthodox methods of coach Pruitt; he apparently took fans who do not understand the concept of football and labeled them Tennessee’s defense. This brings new definition to the term “walk-ons.”
Result: Participation Award
Vs. West Virginia Mountaineers:
West Virginia is one of those teams that you can never tell if they are going to be great or not, which is something Tennessee fans do not really have to worry about: we are consistently shit.
Result: Cousin Sleeping, Vol Defeating
Vs. ETSU Buccaneers:
The first meeting of UTK and ETSU on the gridiron will be one to watch. By watch, though, we most likely mean through one’s fingers. While ETSU’s football program is more green than the money wasted on tickets to the event itself, it is fair to say that Tennessee will fall again.
Result: Last in State
Vs. UTEP Miners:
While one might never remember what exactly UTEP stands for, the Miners might have struck gold facing Tennessee. Despite an 0-12 record in 2012, Tennessee is ready to say “hold my beer” and possibly break the losing streak of UTEP.
Result: Not Even an Upset Anymore
Vs. Florida Gators:
Can we just skip this one? Call in sick? Take a wrong turn at Albuquerque? The only factor avoiding this game being a complete blow-out might be the fact that it will not take place in the Swamp, but that does not hide the fact that Tennessee will get swamped.
Result: We Need New “Rivals”
Vs. Georgia Bulldogs:
Bring lots of alcohol. All of the alcohol.
Result: Bulldog Bullshit
Vs. Auburn Tigers:
Tennessee might keep things competitive for a while, but all Volunteer fans will be ready to vomit by the time the fourth quarter rolls around. Our team will most likely be sitting in the bleachers at this point.
Result: It’s Gonna AuBURN
Vs. Alabama Crimson Tide:
Result: Please Do Not Hurt Us
Vs. South Carolina Gamecocks:
Funny name, but not-so-funny results. South Carolina is the definition of a decent team that never wins shit. However, they do just so happen to win slightly more shit than Tennessee, including this game. At least there will be plenty of giggles to be had at the expense of the awful mascot.
Vs. Charlotte 49ers:
A team most might not even realize exists. This might possibly be Tennessee’s first win…
Result: Charlotte 49ers, Tennessee 0ers
Vs. Kentucky Wildcats:
It is depressing to think that this was once a guaranteed win. For 26 years, Tennessee virtually did not even have to try to beat Kentucky. However, the opposite might just become true. Kentucky might not win any other game during their upcoming season, but they have Tennessee on lockdown.
Result: Unlucky vs Kentucky
Vs. Missouri Tigers:
How the fuck is Missouri in the Southeastern Conference? Maps have been checked and lines have been drawn and it does not add up. Regardless, Missouri kicks Tennessee’s ass.
Result: Missouri is My Company
Vs. Vanderbilt Commodores:
It might be logical to think that Tennessee will have a decently easy or equal fight with Vandy. However, if last year is to go by, this will not be a season-ender to give Vols something to write home about…unless they are mailing their tears.
Aim low and you’ll never be disappointed, right? Tennessee fans are like teenage voters: opinionated, but never show up. It does leave some wiggle room for surprising upsets, so there’s at least one positive aspect. If all else fails, there will be plenty to drink about.
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