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Where Will 4Loko Take You This Boxing Weekend?

Most of us have had our fair share of 4Loko nights at UTK, and, for some, one does the trick. For some it’s two, and for that one guy who has three…we don’t like to talk about him. Boxing Weekend is happening this weekend, and the demand for 4Loko is going to be bigger than ever. And you can’t go to Boxing Weekend sober, right? After digging through social media to see all the embarassing shit you’ve done at past Boxing Weekends,  The Black Sheep is able to predict five ways your night might turn out.

5.) Jumping off your buddy’s roof in the Fort:
As we all know, 4Loko gives you superhuman strength. Being the inquisitive and scientifically-minded student you are, you’re going to want to test this strength out. What better way to test it the by doing an ol’ Jackass jump and breaking a pong table (and maybe your skull). Show the ladies what you can do! Ain’t nothing hotter than an idiot with brain damage.

4.) Texting your ex:
With all the luxury and beauty of a $4 drink from the corner store, there also comes a possible side effect: emotions. Emotions are extremely potent forces that have destroyed nations, and they’re about to destroy your self-respect too. Does it really matter whether you send a rant or a love text? You’re either finna end up smashin’ or your emotions are finna come a’ crashin.

3.) Getting caught by your RA:
Sure, a lot of UT’s RAs are pretty chill, but they know wassup. They know what y’all’s nasty asses are doing. Drunk, unprotected sex–and they ain’t about it. The last thing you need this weekend is y’all not having a good time because you’re getting written up outside of high school. So be safe. Keep the music low, hide your booze, put it all in water bottles, get some extra-small condoms, run and get some pills, or just have Plan B ready. You also might as well go ahead and schedule an appointment with UT’s Student Health Center — they offer testing for all sorts of nasty Down Under diseases.

2.) Boxing… outside of the ring:
It’s Boxing Weekend. We’re all intense. And on top of all that, this khaki-shorts-wearing piece of shit just made you spill your third 4loko all over your nice white UT polo. Y’all both know what’s about to go down. And who’s gonna win!? Not you, you’re hammered, but hey, you tried and that’s what counts. Remember that when you’re at the Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center with a broken nose.

1.) Eating dip:
This is the worst, most life-ruining direction your night could take. You’re drunk, you don’t know which way is up on that third 4loko, so how should your taste buds? You’re just one dip-container-next-to-a-can-of-peanuts away from the worst mistake of your life. But if you’re the guy or gal who picks up the wrong snack container this weekend, get it on Snap for Old Row.

 

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