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7 Things Vol Freshman Should Know But Never Truly Will

Face it: big Vols know big things (insert obvious penis joke here). They know things that you new kids on the block just don’t know, like differential equations and what times to perform the horizontal bop. However, there are other things you kiddos may never know because you’re either too young or too oblivious, so we took the liberty of presenting them for you. 

7.) You’ll never see the rock as thin as it used to be:
The Rock’s is that–well, rock–near the music building and Stokely that’s plastered in a layer of paint. It also gains weight because of all that paint. The Rock is your friend because the chances are that you will likely get plastered and/or gain weight. Hey, at least there’s The Hill to offset the weight gain. Hope you majored in STEM!

6.) The Whirlwind of Opportunity was once a shining star:
We all were younger once. Pretty soon, life corrodes and ravages you – err, the Whirlwind of Opportunity – and it just can’t shine anymore. It becomes the hunk of metal that we see today, unable to give off its vibrant aura in the thick of night. 

5.) That wasteland near the PCB used to be a residence hall:
And it was called Humes Hall. It was just as unimpressive and brick as everything else around it was, but it at least wasn’t this giant clay dune, fit for giant sandworms and Boba Fetts. Something equally as unimpressive and brick as it was before is scheduled to be erected there (this is not a joke) sometime soon or never, depending on how much tuition money the university wants squeeze of its students’ pockets.

4.) Stokely Hall is a new kid on the block just like you:
The big brick building (no, the other one) near The Rock and across from the music building is a new kid on the block finished last year, and he’s actually quite nice. He has residence halls, a new dining hall, and even a POD market. Of course, if you’re not staying in Stokely, and you hate the dining halls like most sane people, none of that matters. But hey, at least you can pick up some rubbers at their POD if you’re in a rush.

3.) Josh Dobbs is no longer the quarterback:
Well, he isn’t. He’s now playing for the goddamn Pittsburgh Steelers. He used to be an engineering major, and every engineering major knew it. He was a source of pride, a source of admiration. Now, well, you engineering majors are all on your own, living in the perpetually waking nightmare that is the engineering curricula.

2.) The most flagrant religious nuts have been unusually silent:
But that’s a good thing! So, don’t think about going to Nut City and unlocking the gate. No one wants that. Well, unless you’re into abusive relationships. If you like being called flattering terms like “slut” and “whore,” then you may be into BDSM, and most would agree right-wing religious nuts would hate you hate you even more because of it. So, please, if you like being publicly ridiculed – keep it to yourself.

1.) Cumberland used to be road hell:
Orange used to be an annoying color, once. There was a time and an age not so long ago that construction was the rule of law. Orange cones and sunburnt dads in orange vests were as common a sight as the token lampshading sorority girl. Driving became synonymous with parking on that dusty street. Imagine move-in day this year. Now imagine move-in day, except your car had a boot on it the whole time. That was Cumberland in 2016.

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