St. Peter’s Lutheran Church has turned to an unconventional tactic to gather new worshippers from the University of Tennessee: serving “communion Natty Ice” to all attendees.
“The idea came to me in a vision,” said Fr. Lou Skont, the church’s priest. “In this vision, I was surrounded by the faces of millions of damned college students. Screams filled the air in a symphony of pain and sorrow. It was worse than midterms.”
With this vision in mind, Fr. Skont knew he had to save those sinners at any expense. He set out in the middle of the night, ministry credit card in hand, and purchased over 1,000 cans of the beer in preparation for service this week. He then plastered advertisements all down the Strip, claiming to all that everyone who attended this week’s service would receive free beer upon arrival.
He explained how he had trouble initially picking the beverage for his choice until he was blessed with the sight of a light: “Down from the heavens came a wave of joy and benevolence. And with this wave descended the hand of God, and in this hand was the cold aluminum can of a Natural Ice.”
Then, he waited for Sunday.
“It was complete mayhem,” said Hugh Jasel, a regular at the church. “Hundreds of delinquents flooded into the church. At first, it wasn’t too bad. I mean, we were looking for more student members. But when they got a few beers in them, things turned sour real quick.”
Allegedly, about halfway through Fr. Skont’s sermon on the importance of Leviticus, one of the college students ran up to the front and took a shit in the baptismal font. That’s when all hell broke loose. Bibles and hymns were tossed aside and began to litter the floor. One group tore down the hanging crucifixion of Jesus Christ and used it to surf across the crowd.
Eventually, the buzzed, holy carnage spilled into the Strip. Many screamed random bible quotes as they vomited and pissed back to Hess Hall. One rowdy group climbed up onto the bridge over Cumberland, tossing ripped bible verses at speeding cars, causing thousands in vehicular damage.
Despite all this damage, the church managed to break even for the week. While cleaning up the wreckage, Fr. Skont said, “We managed to pass around the offering plate before the incident broke out, and most of the kids drunkenly gave us $10, even $20. Sure, the damage will take a good chunk of that money out, but, overall, this venture was a complete success!”
When asked about what his plans were from here, Fr. Skont stated that he planned to expand the selection of beer to include things such as Four Loko, Corona, and even Pabst Blue Ribbon for the older crowds.
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