Ladies, is it not the most beautiful thing to be 21 years old and hit on by an 18-year-old high school senior who thinks he’s top shit because he can finally buy his own ‘rillos? Or would you prefer to be hit on by the 33-year-old divorcee who is trying to get back out there by making his ex-wife jealous with a spry college girl? There’s a lot of different guys you can expect to meet at Cotton Eyed Joe on Sundays, but there’s one thing they almost all have in common: they attend, attended, or plan to attend UT.
This guy probably just turned 21 and came to the bar hoping that it’ll be fun if he’s drunk—and it is! He drinks two pitchers by himself, a couple mixed drinks, dances wildly, gets cocky, hits on you in a drunken mess of booze and weed ,and is dragged away to the car after following you on Insta. You have two options: abandon your standards and get in the car with him, or wait for him to slide into those DMs in the morning. Either way, you haven’t heard the last of this boy.
This guy is in his mid-20s, but he somehow looks like he’s almost 40. He’s having a mixed drink, but never seems to get any drunker, so that mixed drink is probably just cranberry juice (not that we’re throwing shade, of course!). He might be a philosophy TA, or else he’s just pretentious — or maybe it’s both! His love language seems to involve telling you that all of your opinions are trash.
His 18th birthday was last week, and he’s so excited to be part of the college life! He just got accepted to UT, and he’s stoked because his friend in Chi Phi says he’s going to get him into Chi Phi. Girl, we know that’s his first L, but it gets better. He hits on you and offers you a blunt he can roll in his car because he’s trying to slide some car sex into his schedule. No, it’s not for the thrill of it—it’s because he still lives with his parents. Still want to go for it? The Joe is a judgement-free zone.
Here’s a man who’s not afraid of a stupid risk! A fake at the Joe? With a cop right there? But hey, he’s got the balls for it. However, he’s also got a brand-new F-150 with the new rims and lift kit that screams, “This is because my dick is small!” He comes up to you in his date party shirt and says how stunning you are and doesn’t hesitate to ask you to dance. Is he trying to cop a feel, you ask? Well, yeah, but you can take advantage of the situation. Let him buy you drinks and compliment you all night, then ruin his whole day by leaving right before calling time at the bar so he can’t find another girl.
He just wants to stay on the party scene. He pregamed hard, got someone to drive him, and now he’s dancing on the floor checking out (but not talking to) every woman in the venue. He may muster up the courage during a rest time at the pool tables to get off Tinder (he ran out of swipes), and strike up an awkward conversation that wastes your time. But if you just want to talk about yourself to listening ears, find yourself one of these boys.
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