It’s that time of year again: the birds are singing, the weather is shit, and Ped Walkway is crawling with people tabling for incredibly expensive student apartment complexes. But if you don’t want a $650+ monthly rent or a 30-minute commute, and you’d rather die than spend one more year in a residence hall, what can you even do? Luckily, we have relentlessly researched the best crevices, alleyways, and subterranean hollows as possible housing options for UT students. They’re probably better than Massey, at least.
5.) The terrifying crevice next to the Torchbearer:
The good news is that this crevice is partially hidden by rocks, so you can get some privacy! The bad news is that you’ll have a roommate. Since that roommate is a vaguely terrifying modern art sculpture that sways slightly in the wind above you, though, he probably won’t mess with your stuff. What more could you ask for, really?
4.) Secretly inhabiting the University Commons Walmart:
Build a cozy life secretly living in Walmart! It’s open 24 hours, so they can’t really kick you out (probably). You can sleep on a row of collapsible chairs, microwave ramen noodles in the break room, and siphon boxed wine. And if you get sick of Walmart, you can always spend some time in your lovely vacation home, Publix.
3.) An actual dumpster:
Remember that tiny-home craze from a couple of years ago? A dumpster is just like that, only grosser and cheaper. It may not have any kind of utilities or ventilation, but you can brighten it up with some fairy lights and throw pillows. With some strategic decoration, no one will be able to tell the difference between your dumpster and the average dorm room! Besides, this is probably the only way you’ll be able to own a home in this economy.
2.) A house in the Fort with so many roommates that they don’t know you shouldn’t be there:
When the spring semester comes around, just scope out the Fort until you find one with 10 or so occupants who don’t really know each other. Move right in, saying something like “Don’t you remember me? It’s me, Eric; we signed the lease together!” Claim a couch, corner, or closet for yourself and settle down. Matthew, Tyler, Mike, Trevor, Garret, Todd, Brett, Rob, Dylan, and Cody won’t even notice that you’re not paying rent.
1.) The sewers beneath Ped Walkway:
They belch steam, there’s constant construction, and you have to watch out for nightmarish shape-shifting sewer clowns. But what’s free is free, right? Plus, the commute is easy; you can just follow the network of sewers beneath UT and then heave yourself up through whatever manhole is most convenient to your first class! Sure, the other students might not be thrilled that you showed up for your 8 a.m. lecture covered in filth, but what do they know?
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