The ending is near, and some Vols can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, the month that stands between us and the end is just about the more stressful month of the year. Here’s how a true Vol counts down to the end of the semester.
6.) Host a liquor store scavenger hunt:
It’s like a bar crawl, only sketchier. Trust us; there are some sketchy liquor stores around here. For the first week, try and go to as many liquor stores as you can find in the Knoxville area. Branch out from your basic Shoddy’s on Kingston and stock up on booze or Squires on the ever-lovely Western Avenue. You’ll need as much as you can find to make it through the next few weeks.
5.) Start studying:
No really, you should actually study, but take it to the next level by making it a drinking game. You’ve got a BCMB final in a few weeks? Get yourself a practice test and for every answer you get right take a shot. But, for every answer you get wrong, take two. This is foolproof: the dumber you are the drunker you get. Isn’t that always the best combination? You’ve got a 20-page research paper due next week? For every paragraph you finish take a drink. Every time you backspace an entire paragraph realizing you’re full of shit, take three drinks.
4.) All-nighter at Cook Out:
The library is for losers; Cook Out is the new greatest study spot. Get your milkshake on while you “study.” If you can manage to even focus in the noise that is Cook Out, then you deserve an A in whatever class you’re cramming for.
3.) Adopt a pet you have no way of taking care of:
What’s better than taking on more responsibility at this point? You’ve never owned an iguana, and up until now you have never really known that you wanted one. But, faced with the harshness of the world, you decide another creature’s life should depend on you. You need a scaly little friend to keep you company. They could be your greatest drinking buddy of all time.
2.) Bury your lost pet:
So it turns out animals aren’t that great at turning up. Maybe Pedro the Iguana wasn’t meant to be your next greatest drinking buddy. Hold a small service for poor Pedro behind your house or by the river. Invite family and friends to celebrate the few days you spent together. It was a great time and taught you a lot about responsibility. Not really, but it at least allowed you to procrastinate on that final until the day before. Maybe your professor will be lenient if you say you’re in mourning.
1.) Drag yourself to the final:
You’ve survived this much—how much worse could it get? Upon looking at the test, you realize that apparently that’s how much worse it could get. Scribble down some answers and always bubble in C when you’re clueless. Try and spell your name right on the Blue Book cover and dump the pile of shit you just forced yourself through onto your professor’s desk. Apologize if you feel like it, then slug your way out of the classroom and straight to Cumberland for a bar crawl.
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