A dark shadow has fallen over the University of Tennessee, as a lone vigilante has waged a campaign of terror against campus staff in protest of the recent replacement of all paper towel dispensers. His weapon of choice is not graffiti or a musical instrument, though: It’s his own urine.
“At first, I didn’t suspect nothing of it. We get the occasional wall pisser, but it ain’t nothing new,” claimed Daryl, a janitor at the university. “This one was a little weird in that he pissed right underneath the sensor for the hand dryer, which sprayed the piss all over the floor and walls. Still, not the weirdest thing I’ve seen. Eventually, though, I could tell something was going down. The frequency of the vandalization increased. And it weren’t in one building, no, whoever was doing it never did it in the same place twice. And then, there came that dark night.”
On Aug. 28, Daryl began his usual rounds of cleaning the restrooms located in Hodges Library, only to stumble across another signature piss spray. After cleaning up the mess, Daryl moved on to the next bathroom, only to find a similar mess left for him. And one after another, Daryl realized that someone had sprayed their piss on the walls of every bathroom in the library.
“It was a horror show. Not since I was in a POW camp have I seen such human depravity.”
This would mark the first great heist the Piss Bandit would perform, but it certainly would not be his last. From Ag Campus to the Hill, no building was spared his wrath. In total, more than 2– cases of vandalism have been attributed to him, but it is unclear if all have been his doing or the work of copy cats.
The University of Tennessee Board of Trustees had this to say on the issue: “We at UT believe that we have always been open to criticism, and are willing to work with our students to ensure that we are doing all that we can to create a great place of learning. We do not, however, take kindly to threats, and refuse to work with this vandal in any capacity. He will be lucky if we do not suspend him for his actions.”
Even with this much pushback against his actions, though, the Piss Bandit has managed to attract widespread acclaim across campus, with many students coming out in vocal support of him.
“We have rights, too,” exclaimed Sophie March, a music major and leader of the Piss Bandit Fan Club. “We deserve the right to not have to watch as a pitiful amount of water is pushed off our hands by low-powered air dryers. We despise having to go to class with wet pants because that was the only surface that we could wipe our hands. We demand change, and we demand it now!”
With tensions rising and lines being drawn, one question remains on everyone’s lips: Who is the Piss Bandit?
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