After a laundry list of failures over the last couple of years, the University of Tennessee’s football team can use all of the help they can get to ensure a half-decent season. Though they’re off to a winning start, you can never be too careful when it comes to ensuring the pride of your football team, so make sure to take part in these rituals to bless the UTK football season. Please.
4.) Naked Appalachian climb:
Sometimes, to bless something, you yourself must show an equal amount of dedication to the subject at hand, which is why we suggest traversing the Appalachian trail completely nude. You’re not doing anything else with your free time, so why not drop all your classes, strip nude, paint yourself orange, and flee from various park rangers as they try to hunt down the orange pedophile that has been raiding campsites for food across the south?
3.) Burn Pruitt’s name into a hillside:
While it is not always the solution, you might have to attempt to entreat with a higher power if you wish to secure the success of your team. While there are several methods of attempting this, our personal favorite is burning the message into a hillside a la Cast Away. After all, how are they going to be able to read it unless it’s a big as a building? Bonus points if you can set it up in another teams territory.
2.) Let loose a Bluetick herd:
UTK would be nowhere without its iconic mascot Smokey, so it only makes sense that letting loose hundreds of them onto Knoxville would bless the team. On average, a purebred Bluetick Coonhound will cost you around $400, which, when multiplied by a hundred, might not seem like the best use of your money. Don’t worry, though; after one of these plans works, you will be getting your tuition paid for in full. Worst-case scenario, a super-pack of Coonhounds will be roving the streets, terrorizing everyone, meaning that most football teams won’t show up and will have to forfeit.
1.) Occult ritual underneath Gay Street:
Listen, sometimes, hard choices are pressed upon you, and this is where we seperate the boys from the men. First, you’re gonna need to break into the underground tunnels beneath Gay Street. You are gonna want to have a group of people for this, so if you can’t gather some friends, think about paying some homeless people to join. Next, you are gonna wanna bring along a copy of The Lesser Key of Solomon, which you can get on Amazon for about $8. Browse through and pick your favorite demon to make the deal with. It’s probably gonna be a costly deal, so think about bringing along someone you do not like (when you have to offer up a soul, it isn’t as emotionally taxing). If all goes well, the fallen angel you summoned should be able to guarantee a half decent season for UTK.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: