With spring break long gone, gyms like Planet Fitness and Gold’s have (probably) lost millions in monthly revenue due to college students cancelling their membership after the fourth week. Doesn’t matter here, though, we have the T-Recs…as if you ever go there. Is your spring break bod already gone? Here’s a couple things that might have gone wrong:
6.) Too many University Liquors runs:
Yup, vodka has calories even though it looks like water. So does beer, rum, tequila, and definitely Hunch Punch. When you drink any of those, the only weight you’ll be losing is is however much your clothes weigh on the floor at your shacking session. It’s the timeless question: A hot bod? Or a nice cold drink? Goodbye Planet Fitness, hello Captain Morgan. Hey, at least you’re supporting a local business!
5.) Living it up at PCB and Stokely:
“Oh my god—you mean to tell me all the food at the buffets is cheap and unhealthy?!” — a freshman nutrition major who should have known better. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, buffets on campus are making you fat. Even if you’re not just piling pizza onto your plate, going back for seconds or thirds is a choice we’ve all made. Gotta make use of that pricey meal plan, right? Listen, people talk about the “freshman 15” for a reason.
4.) Fast food and Netflix:
One of the problems with the easy availability of cheap food on the Strip: the cost to your physical and emotional health. Are you and that Taco Bell burrito gonna Netflix and chill back at your dorm? Bet it’s loaded with calories. Any burrito that costs less than $5 isn’t a burrito, it’s depression. At least upgrade to Chipotle and be sad in style.
3.) Not enough “exercise”:
It’s uncuffing season, and that means that a lot of people have stopped their main (or only) workout. That’s just plain unhealthy. It’s Sex Week here at UT, and if you’re not getting the cardio you want in your relationship, it might be time to dump him or her for a gym membership. Jogging sucks, but it’s probably better than bad sex.
2.) Procrastinating your homework with Tinder:
Before dating apps became a thing, people had to actually go out into the real world to feel like they were making some kind of romantic effort. Bad news: you can swipe all you want, but unless you actually message someone, you’re gonna stay right where you are: procrastinating next to a sugary Starbucks drink in the Hodges library. Doesn’t look like you’re getting any other “sugar,” though!
1.) Supporting local businesses:
Keep Knoxville scruffy, right? Everything’s a chain now, which is why it’s actually a good thing that you’ve been chowing down on burgers at Gus’s four days a week, grabbing lunch at Nathan’s Hot Dog Stand, and drinking what’s basically sugar mixed with liquor at Knoxville’s various bars and clubs. In the end, though, the emotional health and karmic rewards from supporting Knoxville commerce probably outweighs the extra twenty pounds or so.