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Inspiring! Statue Erected For Hero Who Crossed Volunteer on Green Light

The University of Tennessee has chosen to erect a statue of an unknown student who became the first person to step across Volunteer while the light was green.

“That guy basically saved my life,” said Carl Herold, a junior studying child psychology. “There we were, standing shoulder to shoulder on the curb, trying not to make eye contact with all the people on the other side. Plus, it was cold as balls.”

He shuddered, reliving the tense moment. “It had been, like, ten whole seconds, and I was about to be late for Psych 300. Then, a miracle. One man rose to the occasion, delivered from the gates by St. Peter himself, and took those first fateful steps across. After that, the floodgates broke, and we all poured across the street to our respective classes. I mean, we can’t all get hit by a car, right?”

The statue is planned to replace the Torchbearer Statue, which has been deemed “boring” and “out of touch” by UT focus groups. Made of melted-down Honda Civics, the new statue is planned to capture every aspect of the street stranger, from his freshly-cut hair to his tube socks. 

In celebration of the monument’s completion, all street lights on or near campus will be turned red for twenty four hours, as a symbol of remembrance for his bravery.

While many are excited for the statue, others have responded angrily to announcement.

Emily Mudget, a commuting junior who has been late to class due to people crossing before the light changes, expressed disappointment with the university’s decision.

“Like, are you fucking serious?” she asked. “Not only did I have to park on the Ag campus, that asshole made me late to Accounting 311. Build a statue of a parking spot to commemorate my attendance or some shit.”

Despite two very different opinions battling it out, the planned art endeavor continues on. The statue is expected to arrive by the end of the month, and will be complete by fall 2020, university officials said. 


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