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Local Student Destroys Social Life After Inserting Himself Into Conversation Going On Behind Him

Tragedy struck campus on Thursday after a student completely destroyed his social life at the University of Tennessee by inserting himself into a conversation going on behind him. Mark Edgerton, a sophomore and English major, entered his German 112 class ready to continue his college journey.

Unfortunately, he did not know that his trip into higher academia would soon be coming to an end.

“I had just walked in to the class, you know, just setting everything up, trying to have a good first day,” Edgerton said. “As I was getting out my books, I heard a conversation going on behind me that caught my attention.”

The students in question, who wish to remain anonymous, were discussing the show Nathan for You, one of Edgerton’s favorite shows.

Professor Linsbak, the teacher for the German class in question, began to notice something was off. “One of my students had become red in the face, and a cold sweat had begun to set in. At this point, I thought he might have been sick or something of that nature, so I wrote it off. If only I had known better, then we wouldn’t be dealing with this issue.”

At this point, Edgerton was beginning to feel desperate. He had recently rewatched all of Nathan for You over the summer, and was desperate to talk to anyone about the show, since none of his friends had taken his advice and watched it.

“At that point, I could hold back, even though it was tough,” Edgerton recalled. “But then…they started talking about the recent season finale, and that was my breaking point. I mean, the season finale was something else! I couldn’t let this opportunity slip past me!”

Reports are conflicting on what happened after that, though Professor Linsbak seems to have the most credible story. “It was so fast, I could barely keep up with what was happening. I saw Mark whip around in his chair to face two students behind him. He spoke like a mad man, and I could only barely make out a handful of phrases like ‘online escort’ and ‘Arizona Razorbacks.’ It was at this point that a deep silence fell over the room. Then, panic as everyone rushed to the door, screaming. Someone pulled the fire alarm. Others were outside the building, crying at the brutality they had just witnessed. I was devastated.”

The university closed its doors for the day and sent all of the students home early. “I’m sorry for all the pain I have caused,” Edgerton said. “I just wanted to talk about one of my favorite shows. Is that so wrong?”

Edgerton is currently hiding within the homeless colony under the bridge, hoping that he can eventually return to his normal life after everyone has forgotten about him. A wake is planned to be held this weekend on campus in light of Edgerton’s social demise.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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