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UTK Student Expelled For Sitting At The End Of The Row And Forcing Students To Shimmy By Him

On Friday, a bout of frontier justice was carried out against a local student after he committed one of the cardinal sins of the campus: sitting at the end of the row in a lecture hall, forcing other student to shimmy by his knees to get available seats.  

The student in question, Dennis Tartt, has since been forced to leave UTK’s campus, according to campus administrators. 

“I’ve never seen something so, so evil, so inhumane,” said Catherine Herald, a business analytics major who struggled to put her emotions into words. “I came into McClung Museum, sat down, and waited for class to begin. As I was sitting there, in came this student. I’d seen him before, but I never really paid much attention to him – until today.”

When asked how the administration felt about the situation, the dean’s office described it as disgraceful.

“We will take further steps to ensure that something like this never happens again,” the administration said in a press release. “After all, no one should have to subject themselves to awkwardly shimmying past a classmate when they are trying to take a seat.”

Tartt, a freshman and computer science major, entered the lecture hall early that day, as he had misread his alarm clock and set out too early. Seeing the nearly empty lecture hall, Tartt decided to sit on the end of one of the rows of seats and proceeded to pull out his bulky Alienware gaming laptop.

“It was at that point, I knew I only had minutes before disaster,” Herald said. “I wanted to get up, I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. It’s like those car crash videos you see on YouTube sometimes, where all you want to do is turn away, but some force keeps you from doing it. You lie to yourself by saying that you’re only still watching because you want to make sure everyone is alright, but that’s not true. You want to see the mess. It was at this point I could hear them, the crowd tearing down the stairs towards the room, shrieking their cries of war, but he couldn’t hear a thing through his Razer headset. The tragedy of it all was almost beautiful.”

Reports claim that a mob of one hundred students at the least came into the room at this point, waving torches and pitchforks. They grabbed Tartt just as he came to the realization of what was happening.

Tartt reportedly screamed and wet himself as he was dragged outside. 

“We told him to leave, to go on and get,” said UTK administrator, Samuel Jenkins. “He’s not welcome back on this campus every again for his inhumane actions.” 

Following the event, the plan has been put forward for security guards to monitor each lecture hall to ensure that no one ever sits on the end of an empty row again.

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