You should probably know this by now, but in case you didn’t, no one is allowed to stay in the dorms over Christmas break. The reasons for this should be obvious, but, never let it be said that The Black Sheep is subtle. Here, collected in one place for the first time, is the official list of things that freshmen would do if they were left unattended in the dorms over break.
10.) Starve to death:
Almost immediately. With no one to cook for them, and PCB closed, the freshies would make it about a week before succumbing to hunger. It’s be like The Martian, but shorter and sadder. Much, much sadder.
9.) Not do laundry:
Let’s be honest, if left alone for a month, would you do laundry? We thought so. If all the freshmen were left alone in the dorms we can virtually guarantee that no laundry would be done.
8.) Establish an authoritarian dictatorship:
With no professors or upperclassmen on hand to quell an uprising, the freshmen would surely establish a Lord of the Flies-like authoritarian government, with the upper floors exerting control over the lower ones, and each dorm building becoming its own nation-state as society in Knoxville crumbles into a feral, lawless area.
If freshmen were left alone over the break, there would be no cleaning and, more likely than not, no taking out of the trash. The dorms would be overflowing with trash, like some dystopian future nightmare or a fraternity house.
6.) Not have sex:
Oh, they’d try, bless their 18-year-old hearts, they’d try. But nope, no banging. Just a lot of really bad one-liners and awkward hugs. That’s right, freshmen boys’ game is so bad that they wouldn’t be able to pick up a girl despite being trapped within 100 feet of them for a month.
5.) Run the university’s data bill up:
Between the Netflix binge-watching and all the porn, the freshmen would tally up terabytes and terabytes of data, drawing both the ire of Comcast and the IT workers who’d have to clear the viruses off their scummy laptops. The OIT workers will arrive to Hodges in January and immediately be shocked to see the windows still left open on their computer.
4.) Hold a beauty pageant:
If there’s one thing that freshmen love, it’s events! But, with the CPC not operating over the break, they’d have to create their own events, and as the most obvious and straightforward, a beauty pageant is the way to go. But because it’s college, it will be morphed into some sex-charged event that builds up to a very disappointing night alone in a twin bed.
3.) Not do homework:
Ah, who are we kidding? No one is doing homework over the break. And if you are, please go screw yourself because we don’t wanna be playing catch-up when we get back.
2.) Make dumb Vines:
That’s what freshmen do, right? Vines? Vine’s still a thing. Anyway, with near unlimited time over the break, freshmen would have nothing better to do than make stupid internet videos with their hoverboards or whatever else these kids are into.
These freshmen, going home each weekend and living on daddy’s dime simply wouldn’t be able to take a whole month away from home, how sad. And that is the simple truth. You can’t stay here over break, freshmen, and it’s for your own mental wellbeing – and for the poor families that call this city home who have to deal with your blackout bullshit four nights a week.