Ugh, Valentine’s Day. Unless you die before that clock strikes midnight on the 13th, then you’re livin’ it, brother. Here are the 10 best ways to eke your way through that terrible day.
10.) In the “friend zone”:
This idea appears to be slightly better than being alone. However, the awkward moment when the friend-zoner corrects your waiter with, “No, we’re just good friends,” makes this option only one step above hanging yourself in your dorm room.
9.) Drinking (alone):
You’re never alone with alcohol. Jack, Jim, and Jose can keep you company all night long. Besides, there’s nothing better than drunk dialing exes in the middle of the night screaming “Breaking up with you was the worst mistake of my life!” No, your mistake was not deleting that number.
8.) Smoking pot (alone):
Aren’t there bigger issues in the world than Valentine’s Day? Light one up, burn one down, or get smoked out and contemplate the real-world issues that deserve your attention like poverty, Taco Bell, world hunger, Taco Bell, and don’t forget Taco Bell.
Yes, you could spend the evening crying into your pillow because you’re single, or you can do it because Ross and Rachel broke up again. Yes, Netflix recently released all 8 seasons of Friends, so let the binge watching begin. Combine with 8 or 9 (or both) for a really good time.
6.) Studying in the Hodges:
People may call you a nerd for taking this route. Don’t let ‘em get to you! Just think back fondly on this time when taking your yacht down around the Gulf of Mexico with your supermodel wife. Haters gonna hate.
5.) Home with the parents:
V-day is on a Wednesday, so what weirder excuse than “I’m going home and can’t ask anyone out”? Take it a step further and tell everyone your girlfriend lives back in your hometown. Whatever the lie, mom’s cooking and old friends can make you forget about damn near anything.
4.) Stag parties:
You will be invited to at least twenty of these events; one of them is bound to actually be good. In attendance you can find a variety of people who are either too cool, too busy, or too drunk to hold down a long-term relationship. The forecast predicts a night of heavy drinking with a slight-to-moderate chance of getting lucky.
Nothing takes your mind off being single better than making money that you don’t have to spend on anyone for Valentine’s Day. Put your head down, stack that paper, and remind yourself that next year will be different (it won’t, you probably suck).
2.) Girls’ night:
Who needs men? Seriously, once y’all figure out how to reproduce asexually it’s all over. Let Knoxville know that you don’t need a man to have a good time. So grab the cheap vodka, turn up that Justin Timberlake, and show the guys what they’re missing out on.
Time to call up the wolf pack for another night of “hiding your feelings with alcohol!” Start with dinner somewhere that’s classy, but won’t have happy lovers enjoying their Valentine’s dates — like Cook-Out or Zaxby’s. After dinner you can retire to the cigar room (also known as Cool Beans) and proceed to hit on every girl (single or not) in attendance. Girls respond well to confidence, so don’t beat around the bush. “Wanna f%&K?” will do just fine.
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