It’s Homecoming week, and you all know what that means: pomping, parades, and excuses to get drunk off your ass every night for the entire week. Plus, the Vols are playing someone easy this week, so you probably won’t have to pull your hair out in frustration in the fourth quarter like normal. But, now that the Homecoming week is here, alumni are coming. The Black Sheep got together and found the six types of alumni that you will see this weekend:
6.) The alum who never left college:
Everyone knows someone who parties like a college kid despite being in their 50s. They are to be feared. They’re just really trying to relive their glory years from their frats and srats, but there is something inherently wrong with an adult whose liver can go toe-to-toe with 20 year olds. Fun, but intimidating.
5.) The alum who really wants their kid to go here:
This is probably the easiest alumni to spot during the weekend. You’ll see them walking their kid around campus pointing out the various landmarks around campus, and, if you find yourself around The Rock, The Pat Summit Statue, or The Torchbearer this weekend, then you will definitely see them. They’ll be lying to their kids about the status of their trust funds to see them in orange and white in the upcoming years.
4.) The alum who is more involved than you:
This is the type of person who was in student government, event boards, and started three clubs while on campus. They’re a walking Type-A personality, and it is evident to everyone. Writing weekly newsletters and emailing their professors about what they are doing now are part of this alum’s routine. All of the leadership at the university knows them by name, and they’re proud of that.
3.) The alum who is only here to talk shit:
“You should’ve seen this place back in ’86, dude. Those were the greatest years of my life.” Nothing will ever live up to this guy’s memories. It’s a classic case of peaking in college, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it just makes it hard to be around them for too long. All they want to do is tell you stories about their great time, but all it really does is kill your good time.
2.) The alum who is only here for football:
This alum eats, sweats, and breathes football all the time. You can catch him regularly checking his phone to check how his fantasy teams are doing despite the fact that none of players have a game that day. He is here to watch UT pull off an (hopefully) easy win. Heckling fans of the other team is this guy’s favorite pastime. Nothing brings him greater joy than watching his team crush the life force of another.
1.) The alum who has their life together now:
This is the guy who you saw passed out on the toilet multiple times during your college career. He was regularly tripping balls and too drunk to function on an almost daily basis. You didn’t think that he was going to make anything of himself, but then you see him looking all prim and proper with his family at a tailgate. All you can think when you see him is, “That guy is a dad now. Wow.”
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