Ever stop and wonder what kind of plan The University of Tennessee has in the event of a major disaster? What steps and precautions must be taken to help the general public if crisis explodes around them? Sure, there are plenty of things you can do to get to safety, but what are best steps that students and faculty alike can take to assure their continued safety even when safe? The Black Sheep have managed to get our hands on the top-secret Emergency Manifesto that Jimmy Cheek and his top level faculty advisers are privy to.
In the event of a giant monster attack:
It’s safe to say that East Tennessee hasn’t seen a radioactive creature since Stacey Campfield lost his state legislature seat, but there is always the looming threat that a possible monster attack could happen. In the case of Godzilla showing up, the Emergency Manifesto states that Cheek and his buddy should evacuate to the bomb shelter beneath, hidden conveniently beneath the new Student Union building. Whether it will hold up against a blast of Laser Breath is to be determined. The structure is made out of 34 inches of pure lead.
In the event of Nuclear Fallout:
Oddly, the manifesto does not have Cheek and his entourage flee to the bomb shelter, which would be an obvious idea for any normal person, but instead to make it to Nielsen Physics building, where there are several atomic bomb resistant pods that will flash freeze Cheek and his cohorts until the Oak Ridge explosion-triggered radiation levels fall.
In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse:
Who doesn’t love a good Zombie Apocalypse? The Emergency Manifesto had the most literature on this subject, so we’re guessing that Cheek and his buddies have either seen way too much The Walking Dead or are banking on the future possibility of shooting the undead students that might one day roam campus. Apparently there is a hidden wall in Cheek’s office filled with swords and crossbows, and enough canned food beneath Ayres to last Cheek for two years, if he doesn’t share it with his buddies (more like when he doesn’t share).
In the event of an Alien Take Over:
There wasn’t much in this section. Just one sentence that reads, “We’re already here.”
In the event of the Rapture:
This section also had minimal content. “Blessed may he come, and we shall meet him in glory, Amen.” So, that’s the plan when hell-fire rains on Earth, folks.
In the event of a Volcano:
Though Tennessee isn’t known for its majestic volcanos, we are happy to learn that the school is up to date on its payments for Volcano Insurance. It’s one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t,” kind of things. Like AAA, and answering professors in class. We’re not exactly sure if Volcano Insurance is going to help us though. In fact, aside from the insurance, there is no plan.
In the event of Debilitating Blizzard:
When you live in East Tennessee, you eventually hear tales of the Blizzard of ‘93 from some old person bitching about how much harder they had it than you. It’s either from some old guy who is stocking up on water at Wal-Mart or that weird shifty eye coworker. You’re well-versed with just how bad it got when four inches literally stopped all of Tennessee for like two whole days. Apparently, according to the manifesto, the goal is to get to the bomb shelter which does have a back-up generator. It also says that in the event food runs out to eat Larry. There’s a side note in Cheek’s writing that says, “he’s the tastiest.”