Unless you’ve been living under the Rock, you’ve heard that UT’s basketball team has been doing surprisingly well, even beating UK at Rupp since dinosaurs walked the Earth. With a 19-6 record, we can’t help wonder why we’re breaking our hearts trying to hold on to our “football school” status, and word on the street is that there’s $1 billion reason we can’t become a basketball school: Neyland Stadium. It’s an emblem of southeastern collegiate sports–we can’t abandon it now! Fear not. We collected the greatest thinkers of The Black Sheep’s staff to come up with a few alternate uses for Neyland Stadium.
5.) A gigantic swimming pool:
In Rome, the colosseum held many sporting activities and wars between many seacraft were held. Where is this today? Why can’t we watch two boats go at it and destroy each other? It’ll add a certain fire to Neyland Stadium. Plus, we’d love to see Brad and Chad use their rich sailing skills to cannon blast each other. Let’s let the rowing team get competitive!
4.) Another Student Union:
Let’s be honest: There’s not enough room in the union for all the discerning Vols out there who don’t want to sit near some random stranger at lunch. How many will have to suffer the awkward nod exchange of sitting next to a stranger? Does UT want us to be alone? Hell no! We need one table per person here at the University of Tennessee. Neyland holds room for those tables.
We have Volapalooza. We need Vol-aroo. Let’s get The Weeknd, Future, Drake, Lil Uzi (and others) and go hard on every drug imaginable. The friends you don’t want to make sitting next to at lunch you can make while high! You know the feeling of meeting a random person on the same level as you–how lit is that!? Davenport owes us this.
2.) A big ol’ Waffle House:
We have gone since 1794 with no Waffle House. and we have a Krystal. A KRYSTAL, DAMN IT! Yet no Waffle House. Have we thought about going Waffle House drunk? Everyone would go to Waffle House drunk. Maybe 102,455 people? Give or take a few.
1.) New basketball stadium:
Why not make Neyland our new basketball stadium? Maybe that will be the cure to our nightmares about previous losses, Butch dragging out tuition on his $8 million retirement contract, and the “Who’s going to be the new coach?” anxiety.
Before anyone argues with you about leaving our history of being a football school behind, let’s just remember our options.
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