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UT Decides to be a Football School Again After March Madness Loss

UT officials decided on Monday morning to return to being a football school after the men’s basketball team, a No. 3 seed, lost in the final seconds to the Loyola-Chicago Ramblers over the weekend. As the investigation to figure out who the hell the Ramblers are continues on, one question weighs heavy on many students minds: “How are we gonna come crawling back to UT football and Neyland?”

Some fans burnt many bridges when they chose to shack up with the basketball team, and now have to repent for their transgression. Terry Munich, an English major at the University of Tennessee, has come to regret his split second decision to get a full-body tattoo in preparation for March Madness.

“I will admit, it might have been rash of me to get every single inch of my skin inked for this team,” Munich said. “I especially regret the one I got on my penis that, while erect, says ‘Go UT B-Ball’. But, y’know, I just loved feeling like a winner, and the football team and my midterms definitely did not give me that feeling. Besides, it could be worse. I could have started rooting for the baseball team.”

While Munich is admirable for his honesty in his mistakes, not everyone was as cordial. Berry Tundy, a man who only days ago was prepared to double down on trading his lifetime football pass for March Madness tickets, claims that he had never been to a UT basketball game in his life.

When given video evidence of him screaming at the ref at various games, Tundy got increasingly aggressive and spit a wad of skole into our reporter’s eye.

One man by the name of Jeremy Sharp was arrested by campus police Tuesday after burning several piles of UT basketball memorabilia in an attempt to hide his shame, with several bobble-heads and faux jerseys being tossed into the blaze.

Many are ashamed of their transgressions, but Jeremy Pruitt, the new head coach of UT football, welcomed back the fanatics with open arms.

“I want to make it clear that neither I nor the university football program harbor any ill will to those that jumped ship,” Pruitt said. “All I ask is that all returning fans turn over their first born sons, and we’ll square this all away.”

When questioned on what Pruitt would do with the children, he said he would begin training them night and day as the next generation of UT football players.

 

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