Suddenly interested in sports now that it’s Olympics season? Us, too! It’s a shame we can’t pretend to understand curling in person. Since South Korea is a little far for your average broke college student to travel, we’ve come up with a list of everyday UT occurrences and locations that really do feel Olympic. Here are 7 UT Olympic events you can try on your walk to class.
7.) Sprints (up the Hill):
As Vols, we have calf muscles of steel from speed-walking back and forth from the Hill every fucking hour. It may be your only workout, but it counts, right? For added difficulty, the final round would include dodging wandering herds of tour groups.
6.) Walking the Fort in heels:
The brave women who brave potholes, hills, and shattered bottles with spikes strapped to the bottom of their feet deserve Olympic recognition. It’s like an obstacle course, except one of the obstacles is…part of your clothing. For additional challenge, this event could be combined with ice hockey. The frozen roads that made everyone late last week would be a good arena.
5.) Dodging tablers on Ped Walkway:
Do you already have housing next year? Do you really not want to go to Interfaith Bible Study? If so, you might be a contender in this event. Necessary uniform items include headphones to pretend you can’t hear anyone, sunglasses to avoid eye contact, and a very strong I-am-in-a-hurry vibe. The challenge round includes a street preacher (or three).
4.) Waiting in line at the Hodges Starbucks:
Sure, your goal is a 500-calorie cup of liquid candy, but waiting in that long-ass line in the morning kind of counts as an endurance competition, right? Okay, not really, but we’d like to think so. Maybe you get a point every time someone in front of you realizes they’ll be late and leaves.
3.) Beating your suitemates to the shower:
This may be mostly a freshman-only event, but this mental and physical challenge is not for the faint of heart. Remember when you had to wake up 15 minutes early just to get to your suite’s shower before Alex monopolized it for the next 40 minutes while blasting country music from phone speakers? No? Well, the fact remains that this sport requires planning, dedication, and a deep distaste for your suitemate’s very loud shower playlist.
2.) T-Link racing:
Listen, the app truly does not work. It predicts that the bus is there when really it swung by two minutes ago. So, why not make it a sport? Competitors would attempt to chase down the Neyland Express route bus before it pulls away. Prizes include both medals and not being late to your class on the Ag Campus.
We wouldn’t have to devote any of UT’s budget to this event, because the course is already there (and likely will remain until at least 2020). By clearing hurdles made from busted water mains, running down that weird muddy path near Haslam, and dodging the various holes in Volunteer, competitors show speed, agility, and secret wishes that parkour was still relevant.
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